Grandpa...I love you always

Christmas has always been a little difficult for me.  
At some points it has been crazy family things...not wanting to spend time with family.
At other points it's been because I've been sad because I didn't have the family that I have wanted to.
At another point is was because I was losing a very important person to me.  My Grandpa.

 My Grandpa

Six years ago today...on December 26th at about 12:30am..my grandpa passed away at 90 years young on his own terms.

He was my rock (besides my husband).  He was the greatest man in my world.  He was totally awesome.  And I will never forget him.

I wrote a letter to him the Christmas that he died.  I wanted to give him something special....he didn't need things, and I also wanted to let him know how special he was to ME.

 My Grandma (his 1st wife) and Grandpa's wedding picture

I want to share this letter with all of you, because I know that everyone has that one important person in their life.  I may allow you to take a moment and appreciate all of the people that you love in your life.  

 My Granny (his 2nd wife) and Grandpa's wedding picture

Grandpa,
I was thinking about what to give you for Christmas.  You have so many things that I didn't know if there was anything that you might need or want.  Then I thought that a great gift would be to tell you all the things that you have given to me.
You've given me appreciation for all things.  For nature, for history, for TV, cars, modern technology!  I still can't imagine it taking a whole day just to go to the store.  I love all of the stories about you growing up and the farm and the filling station.
You've taught me respect.  To respect other people, and especially myself.
You've given me two great examples of what a marriage should be, and that's how I want mine to be.
You gave me greatest fun in childhood.  Going fishing, going to the park, and especially Brewster Dairy for the ice cream!  I will never forget any of that and I hope that I can pass that fun onto my own children someday.
Basically, you are the best grandpa anyone could ever want, and I wish that everyone in the world could have a grandpa like you.
You are a big part of who I am today and I will carry that with me forever.
I love you Grandpa!
Beth 

 Me and my Grandpa on his 90th Birthday

I wish that I could have given him more, and I hope that this was enough.  I know that he is with me everyday, and I hope that he is proud of me.


I still love and miss him everyday.

Merry Christmas

Snow Kiss Green Christmas

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Happy Anniversary

Seven years ago today, I married my husband...

On the gorgeous beaches of the north shore of Jamaica (which now feels like our second home).

 December 15, 2003

We (or I did...I don't really know if men wait for it or not) waited seven years for that moment.

It was the most beautiful day of my life (not counting the birth of my three babies).

Surprise (for Jon) trip to Vegas August 2004

 
Our love not only was solidified that day, but we promised to love each other for the rest of our lives.

If you've read my blog before, you know in the past several years our marriage has been hard and has had it's share of very high mountains, and very low valleys. 

 December 2005

In the past several months, we seem to have made our way back on track to love.  To love each other the way we used to...before all of the hectic things that took over our lives and took our focus away from each other and our relationship.


This is REALLY an anniversary to celebrate and hold close to our hearts.


No, number 7 is not overly special.  It's a random number.  It's not like 5 (where I got the other band to go with my wedding set!!!).  It's not like 10 will be when we have promised each other that we will go back to Jamaica and take our babies so that we can re-commit to each other, and to them (and lay on the beach and soak up all of the sun that we can!).

Late Summer 2006

This is the anniversary that we are appreciating each other.  This is the anniversary that we are re-learning each other.  This is the anniversary that marks the moment that we can say we WILL be together for our 10th, and 15th, and 20th, and all of the ones that follow.


I never WASN'T sure that I would be with Jon.  I was ALWAYS sure of that.  What I wasn't sure of was if we would really be able to be happy again.


I am undoubtedly, absolutely, totally sure that I will be with Jon and be HAPPY with him for the rest of our lives.

New Year's Eve 2006..(that's the Munchkin in the belly!)

We have learned together that we can jump the hurdles of parenthood, home ownership, working full time (for the both of us), me going back to school, the relative lack of free time, the absence of sleep...and so many other things...and still be okay.  Not just okay, but good, and loving, and caring, and silly, and compassionate....to ourselves and to each other.

I love Jon more now than I did yesterday, last week, last year, seven years ago, and definitely more than 14 years ago when we first met.

June 8, 2007 (waiting on the Munchkin)

I love him because he is my friend.  I love him because he knows me.  I love him because he is loving.  I love him because he is passionate.  I love him because he is compassionate.  I love him because he is a wonderful father.  I love him because he is level headed.  I love him because more often than not, he is my better half.  I love him because he is encouraging.


I love him because I found out a couple of weeks ago he sleeps with socks on because he doesn't like his feet to touch.


I love him because he is silly.

December 2008 (that's Little Man in the belly)

I love him because he reliably leaves his shoes in the middle of the floor.


I love him because he tells the same jokes over and over again...and can still get a laugh out of me.


I love him because he gets a little smile on his face when he tries to hide something.

December 2009  (that's Baby J in the belly)

I love that he complains about how many pairs of shoes I have, but doesn't mind when I buy more.

I love that he gets out of doing laundry because..."it just doesn't smell the same as when you do it".

I love that he snores, even though he swears he doesn't because one night he stayed up to see if he snored and he didn't (that's an old joke...that still makes me laugh).

I love him because he loves me even though I'm very scary in the morning.

I love him because he makes the best coffee in the world.

I love him because he knows that one of my favorite foods is macaroni and cheese with peas in it.

I love him because of who he is and what he means to me.

I still promise to love him more and more everyday.

 December 2010

Happy Anniversary my love!!!

My 30 day challenge

You know, when I challenged myself to write something everyday for a month, I wasn't really thinking.

I actually wasn't thinking at all.  

I tried to write yesterday, but I literally couldn't get anything out. 

I am so sleep deprived that I sometimes can't form a complete sentence when I'm trying to talk to someone (I wish I was joking about this).

I guess what I REALLY need to do is just re-commit myself to writing.  I know it doesn't have to be everyday.  I just need to actually do it when I have something swimming around in my head.


So I apologize for making a commitment that I just can't keep.  But keep coming back to read.  I still have a lot to say...it just might not be everyday.


And tomorrow I will talk about sleep deprivation...if I don't fall asleep while trying to write it!

Comfort in Love

There is comfort in love.

The comfort that you know that you are loved.

The comfort that someone is there for you when you need to be loved.

There is also that time when love BECOMES comfortable.  

When love becomes comfortable it can mean different things.

It can become comfortable in the way that you relax and you can be yourself and know that the other person will love you no matter what.

It can also be comfortable in the way that you get lazy and can get trapped in a cycle that can lend itself to carelessness.  You can land in that place of taking your love for granted.

Both of these things go hand in hand.

I think that we have all been there.  I know that my husband loves me.  I also know that he is guilty of taking me for granted.  I will absolutely say the same thing about myself.

I am not perfect.

He is not perfect.

Why then do we expect our LOVE to be perfect?

I haven't figured this one out.  Jon and I are quickly approaching 14 years of being together.  We STILL can't figure out how to love each other without hurting each other.

Maybe love IS part of the problem.  I've heard a lot of people say that you hurt the ones that you love the most.  Is this because we truly believe in the unconditional love that is formed?  Or is it because we just take for granted that the other person will stand up, dust the hurt off, and continue on?

I would LOVE to figure out HOW to find comfort in love without becoming too comfortable.  I realize that it's a two way street.

I have honestly never tried harder in my life to be more loving and considerate...not only to my husband, but to other loved ones in my life as well.

Though I must say, my husband is the one that I struggle with the most.

I guess it might have something to do with the fact that we have three children 3 and under.  It also might have something to do with the fact that we very rarely get to spend time alone.  It also might have something to do with the fact that we are both exhausted...physically and mentally.


So here is the question...at what point to we get over ourselves and get on with our love for each other?


It's a work in progress.  Every day needs to be a new start.  I say that here, but I really have to implement it into my life.  Again, I'm not perfect, so yes...work in progress.

The sadest excuse for a post ever (Monday's Post)

Just because I can't bring myself to admit defeat.

I am doing this sorry post for falling asleep last night before I had a chance to write anything for Monday.

The title does not mean that the content of the post is not meaningful.

I would just like to take a moment to say that we all need to sit down every now and then and remind ourselves that we need to be thankful for all of the people in our lives that love us and that we in turn love.

We as a culture are always on the go, go, go.  We don't always take the time that we should to appreciate our loved ones.

So take a minute after reading this and think about all of the people in your life that you love.


Take another minute after that and let them know that you love and appreciate them.


It will be the most meaningful and happy two minutes of your life today.

Favorite Pics (Sunday's post actually done on Sunday!)

I want to share some of my favorite pictures with you!

I have many of them, so this is going to be hard to narrow it down.  I will tell you where and when the picture was taken so you have a story to go with the picture.  I think this is going to turn into a series, so keep your eyes open!

Some of the pictures are ones that you may have already seen on this blog.  

I have a tendency to use the good ones over and over.  I mean, if it's a good picture, why not show it off as much as possible, right?

I'm going to start in the beginning.  Meaning pictures from the wedding.  Mostly because I don't have a lot of photos before we were married on the computer.  They are all on picture CD's which is just a pain to load onto the computer at this particular time.


Favorite pictures from our wedding week!!!!

Here we are the day before the wedding.  We were just trying out the gazebo where it was all going to happen!  I love this picture because it reminds me how very excited we were to be getting married.

Here I am getting ready.  I am blow drying my hair trying to make it even MORE curly than it already is.  At this point I was freaking out a little because Jon and I were already apart from each other until the ceremony.  I love this picture because it is just so totally me.

 I love this picture because it truly shows our love and emotion for each other and importance of being married meant (and means) to us.  I barely held it together to get my vows out.  Jon had the same problem.  Honestly I am tearing up as I am writing this caption while looking at this picture because my love for my husband grows every day (even if he does drive me nuts sometimes).

I love this picture because it was the kiss that finally sealed the deal!

Really?  How can you NOT love this picture?!

This is one of my ALL TIME favorite pictures of myself.  I think that I am so beautiful in this picture.  I am happy and I think, no I KNOW that it shows.  I also love that you can tell that my eyes are two different colors.  That is something that I have always liked about myself....it's a little something extra that makes me unique.

And last, but certainly not least.  This picture is possibly one of THE BEST pictures that we have EVER taken.  It's just about perfect!

I hope that you have enjoyed the pictures and the story behind them as much as I have enjoyed sharing them with you!

Fried food, pony rides, and plants. (Saturday's post)

Fried food and pony rides at no other place but the county fair.  Also plants.  I know, you wouldn't think that plants would have a place at the fair, but they do.

We started out our outing at the fair with deep fried goodness.  Which I paid dearly for later.  There is a reason that you aren't supposed to eat grease laden vegetables.  They tasted very yummy though!!!!!

The Munchkin talked about pony rides ALL WEEK!!!!  This was the one thing that she was looking forward to at the fair.  We walked around the entire place at least twice to find the pony ride.  I don't think that I've heard her squeal that loud in ages.

Munchkin and Mommy.

Jonathan had a fun time too.  He really liked riding the ponies as well.  It's like a dream come true for me for my kids to love riding horses.  I think I may see riding lessons in my future (for the kids, not me...I know how to ride although it's been years).

Little Man and Daddy.

We visited some of the 4-H animals.

Munchkin, Grandma, and Little Man.

Let's not forget about the plants.  Munchkin picked out a plant to bring home and take care of.  There was a booth with all of these odd plants.  There bug eating plants like venus fly traps.  They also had a couple of other bug-eating plants that I had never seen.  Munchkin chose a plant that doesn't require dirt.  You soak it for about 3 minutes a week, dry it off and put it where you want.  In a dish, on a shelf, or carrying it around with you (which Munchkin has decided is the best way to take care of it).  I know, of all things to get at a fair, she wants a plant.  Hopefully we can take care of it and keep it going....I don't have very good luck with plants, but it sounds easy enough.

A good time was had by all.  Memories were made.  The kids will be talking about it for weeks.

Priceless!

Self Esteem (Friday's Post)

So I'm totally one day behind on my posts.  It's all my job's fault.  Especially when you don't get home before midnight.  So I will have two posts today.

I originally wanted to do a post to share some of my favorite pictures with you, but the husband can't remember where he put the jump drive (sigh), so I bumped up this post.

I wanted to focus a little on self esteem.  I think that we can always use a little more self esteem (generally speaking).

I personally have a problem with this.  As in I don't have enough. 

I used to ooze self esteem.  I used to be the hot girl...and I knew it.  I wasn't snobby about it (although I'm sure that you could find some people that would say I was).  I was thin.  I had long hair (which I still do, so I'm not sure why this matters).  I was totally confident about myself.

Who wouldn't feel confident looking like this???

Now.  I am not.  I am not thin (I know a lot of people would disagree with this).  I am having a hard time dealing with my post post post baby body (I felt the need to fit all three in there).  Now realistically I know that I look fan-freakin-tabulous (thank you to my thyroid for being overactive) for having a baby 9 weeks ago.  Here's the thing....clothes are a wonderful thing.  ANYONE can look fabulous in clothes.  It's the lack of clothes (and swimsuits) that terrify the living daylights out of me.


I heard this song by Christina Aguilera.  It's called Vanity.  Fair warning, it has some bad language in it, so if the kiddos are within hearing distance, I would wait to listen to it.




I am totally making this my new theme song.  I think it should be yours too.  Or at least I hope it makes you giggle a little!


Self esteem....here I come to find you!

Preschool!!!!! (Thursday's post)

Okay, so this didn't get posted last night because I came home from work, sat down on the couch, and promptly fell asleep.

So, today there will be two posts.  And I should probably do today's post early because Friday is a late night.  We'll see how it goes.  

So I received the Munchkin's paperwork for preschool in the mail yesterday.

Oh. My. Goodness.

When did this happen?

When did my BABY GIRL become old enough to go to school.
 
Okay, I know it's not like it's her first day of kindergarten, but preschool IS a big deal.  I am so excited for her because she is excited.  It's only two days a week for two hours at a time.  But it's a big deal.  

It's the next step in her childhood.

As much as I love seeing her grow....I kind of wish that it would slow down a little.  I want to enjoy every minute of her being little because I know that all of these moments will have flown by faster than imaginable.

Have fun at school Munchkin!  Mommy loves you!

Sorry it's been so long.

So I know that it's literally been forever since I've done a post.

I also know that my last post was not the happiest one ever.

And to tell you the truth, I'm not sure that this one will be either.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not hating life exactly, I'm just caught in a really big whirlwind of confusion at the moment.

I am not confused about my kids.  They are wonderful.

I am not confused about school.  That is definitely starting on August 23rd whether I'm ready or not.

I am not confused about my work situation.  It's not the most fun thing in the world, but it's stable and I can pay my bills.

I am however confused about myself.

I am also confused about my husband...he seems not to be talking to me at the moment because I told him about himself last night. I won't share all of the details, but I know hearing things about yourself that aren't all about puppies and kittens can make you a little peeved.

I am still confused about my childhood situation...although that is slowly making its way to the back burner for now (finally).

I was thinking about this while I was at work (because honestly I don't have anything better to do while I'm there).  I feel like a part of me has been missing since I haven't been writing, and I would like to set a goal for myself.  I would like to try and post something everyday for a month.  I'm not promising that it will be any great and wonderful content.  I just want to see if I can do it.  It will probably consist of a bunch of nonsense and mostly ramblings, but who knows....something interesting might come out of it.

So here starts the everyday posts for a month.  I will elaborate on the stuff that's going on with the husband and myself starting tomorrow.  I know...I have to keep you on the edge or your seat.  Not really.  The fact of the matter is that it is now 11:40pm and I need to go wash bottles and then feed baby boy.  Which also brings up a good point.  I really need to come up with a good nickname for him.  I can't call him baby boy forever....and stinker doesn't really capture the wonderfulness of him.  Maybe I'll take a poll.


Back to Mommy world!

I don't even know what to say

So I want to begin by saying that I'm sorry that I've been away from my blog for so long.  I know that I haven't been blogging very long, but I've always had something to say.....up until now.

Granted, the last couple of weeks have been a little busy and stressful.  You know, that whole giving birth thing...and then having emergency surgery just shy of the Newbie being two weeks old.  Oh yes, and then the unexpected hospital stay the day after my surgery.  No worries...I am fine now (and I'll tell you about it later).

I have so much in my head, but I don't know how to get it out.  I have found that I really love writing.  To me, it's just like talking to a trusted friend, but you get to read what you are saying and edit yourself if you feel the need to.

I know that I have told you that my husband and I have gone to counseling.  What I haven't told you is that I go to counseling on my own.  Let's face it....it's downright therapy in my situation.  No, it's not the hubby.  He and I are doing ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS!!!!!!!  Which is soooooo good for me, and us.

The reason I go to therapy by myself is because I have some issues that I have been trying to cope/deal/ignore for the last several years.  It all started after I had the Munchkin.  I started having these flashbacks from my childhood.....not so good.

The problem with this is that I really don't have many memories from my childhood, and the ones that I do are very specific and extremely detailed.  Anyway, the point is that these flashbacks are anxiety producing and generally messed up (I know....fabulous English on my part).


I have been trying to work through this with my counselor.  They keep getting more frequent, and I really would just rather not have them at all.  I can't keep ignoring this, I know that it will not go away, but it affects me in a bad way....and I don't want it to.  I mean, gee...who wants to walk around feeling anxiety ridden most of the time?  Not me, that's for sure.  I have started taking my happy pills again.  YAY!!!!!  It's only been 2 weeks, so I know that I have a little more time before they actually kick in full force (and I can't wait), so I know that will help, but I have a very loud brain at the moment, and it's totally giving me writers block.


I have so many things running through my head at any given time of the day.  It's not just laundry, vacuuming, mopping, kids, dusting, kids, holy crap I have to go back to work, oh crap....school is going to start at the end of August and all of that jazz.  It's so many levels of constant thoughts running through my head, I can't make sense of it all.  It makes it very hard to write about anything.  I have a hard time concentrating on one single thought (and no, I'm not ADD....it's part of the anxiety).


So here I am.  Trying to make sense of the endless thoughts in my head.  All of the things that I'm feeling.  All of the things that I want to share here.  All of the things that I need to get out of my head.  All of the things that are holding me up.  All of the things that I'm afraid of.  All of the things that I'm looking forward to.  All of the things that I am dreading.  All of the things in my past that are making me sad.  


I'm afraid to say too much.  I'm afraid that people will feel sorry for me.  I do not want ANYONE to feel sorry for me.  I feel sorry enough for the little girl that can't remember.....

I need to do this so that I can be okay (not that I'm not okay, but I think you get the point).  I need to do this so that I can let my kids be kids and not over-protect them because of me.  I don't ever want to smother them because I can't forget....hell, I can't even remember.....and that's the problem.  I don't know anything, but I know enough.


So here I am, rambling on.....I'm not sure if I even make any sense at all.  I guess that's the beauty of this post.  


This post is truly a window into my mind.  The things that just pop in and out of my head.  Where part of my life is at the moment.  Ahh.....maybe, just maybe this will help.


Here's to hoping.

Newbie is here!!!!

I just wanted to let everyone know that I have not fallen off the face of the earth, I am merely sleep deprived because Newbie finally decided to make his appearance on Friday June, 4th at 2:06am (with a little help).

The past couple of days have been a hectic joy (and did I mention sleep deprived).  Thank goodness my wonderful husband is home this week....I'm not sure what I would do without him....self destruct I think.  I don't know, I'll get back to you on that one....he goes back to work on Monday, and I will be totally by myself....meaning no other adult help.  It wasn't supposed to happen that way, but it seems that our help that we had lined up isn't going to be....well, helping.  So in other words...craziness, here I come!


I am very much enjoying having a newborn again.  I forgot how EASY it is!!!!!  Yes, even feeding every 2 hours.  He sleeps most of the time.  He doesn't complain about what I feed him.  He LOVES to cuddle with his mommy while I sleep (oh how I've missed that part).  He doesn't talk back.  Oh, and he has new baby smell.


So, I'm very sorry that this post is so short, but honestly my brain is too fuzzy to write much of anything anyway.  My eyes are actually crossing as I'm writing this.  I just wanted to get to my blog and dust it off a little bit!


Here are some pictures of the Newbie....(and we'll have to think of a good nick-name for him....can't really use the same one for him and little man)!

Newbie

6-4-10 @ 2:06am

7lbs 6oz  18in

Very proud Dad!!!

Very proud Mom!!!

The best little surprise that we never knew we could love so much!

Welcome to this crazy life little guy!

Getting to know You

Okay, so I'm a couple of days late on this one.  But I find myself awake at 5:30 on a Tuesday morning because my back is killing me, and I'm almost sure I may be in labor.  Don't worry, I have a doctor's appointment at 10am.  I'm killing time until then.

I was catching up on my blog reading and I spied this on my friend Kristy's blog.  She got it from here.  I thought that it seemed like fun (and believe me, I need a little bit of that at the moment), so I thought I would let you know a little more about me!

If you want to join..copy the questions..post them..then link up at her blog!

1. Have you ever snooped around someone else's house?

2. Can guys and girls be friends? 
3. Can you curl your tongue?
4. Have you ever stolen anything?
5. Would you rather talk on the phone or text?
6. Memorial Day plans?
7. What do you do to relax?
8. Do you do anything to honor those that have died fighting for our freedom?

1. Have you ever snooped around someone else's house?
Well, I guess that I have.  I don't really intentionally snoop.  It's just kind of one of those things that you are just observing.  I would say much more of an observer than snoop.


2. Can girls and guys be friends?
My husband is my friend, so in that respect, I'm going to say yes.  I have gay male friends, so I'm also going to say yes in that respect as well.  I would consider all of my husband's friends my friends, so yes on that one too.  Otherwise, I think that it can get kind of messy....


3. Can you curl your tongue?
Yes.  Yes I can.


4. Have you ever stolen anything?
Nope!


5.  Would you rather talk on the phone or text?
I would rather text most of the time.  Most of the time, trying to have a phone conversation is just not worth it.  I generally only call people if I am driving somewhere by myself.  Otherwise, texting is way easier....and probably less rude to the person that I'm talking to!


6. Memorial Day plans?
Well, since it was yesterday, I'll just tell you what we did!  Grandma was in town, so Jon's family was here.  We had a leftover lunch, some ice cream cake, and hung out for awhile.  Everyone left while the kids were napping, so we had a little quiet time.  After they woke up, we went outside to play in the kiddie pool!  Nice, uneventful, relaxing day!


7. What do you do to relax?
Is there such thing?  No really.  Lately the husband and I have been having some AWESOME cuddle time together.  That seems to do the trick!


8. Do you do anything to honor those that have died for their freedom?
No, admittedly we do not.  At some point we will have to change that and tell the kids that Memorial Day is more than just red, white, and blue, cooking out, ice cream, and a long weekend.


There you go!  A little more about me.  Now I think I might be able to go back to sleep for a little while!
 

Operation Reconnection - The First "Date"

This weekend Grandma came to town, so Jon and I had our first reconnection/nurture your marriage date!

We did this Saturday afternoon.  Granted, we did do some errands while we were out, but honestly, I'm not sure that it matters what we did, just that we were spending ALONE time together.

We went out to lunch.  Nothing special, we went to Swenson's for some burgers and fries.  They have REALLY good burgers.  It was really nice to eat without worrying about shoveling food into the kids as well!


We then went to Men's Warehouse so that Jon could spend his $50 rewards gift certificate.  I will not tell you how much you have to spend to get a $50 rewards gift card....it's obscene, but totally and well deserved.  He got a nice shirt to wear on another one of our dates.  I promise that once we go on that date, I will make sure that a picture is taken and post it!  =)


Then we did the errand portion of our date.  Jon needs to get a new vehicle since we are now going to be a family of 5.  Three car seats will NOT fit in his car, so he has been researching and we took the opportunity to go do the "car seat test".  Let's just say he may actually have to get an SUV and not a car, so he's back to the research board on that one.


Even though our "date" wasn't just recreational, it was WONDERFUL to spend time alone together.  So while I know our "dates" will not always be without purpose or function for some other part of our life, like buying diapers or grocery shopping (okay...honestly I don't know about the buying groceries part), as long as we can go do the errands and have some time alone together, I think it will do the trick!


So first date SUCCESSFUL!!!!!  YAY!


I'm already looking forward to the next one!

Operation Reconnection - Some research

So, since Operation Reconnection is in full swing, I've been consistently looking for ideas and advice on how to keep everything going (and in perspective).

I came along this article that suggests 5 fixes for a stronger relationship.   I was curious, so I checked it out.

You know, they can put all kinds of crap out there.  I guess at least it was entertaining (sort of) to read.


It's a list of 5 things according to extra time that you have.  Okay, first of all, I know the concept of extra time is, well, there isn't any extra time....but wait.  It gets better....and more ridiculous.


Disclaimer:  I am in no way, shape, or form an expert.  I just have some strong opinions, so here goes.

If you have 10 seconds.....hit pause.  Okay what?  Yes.  It says hit pause on whatever it is you and he are doing and just look at him.  Pretend that you are in his shoes, or think about the way he was when you first met him.  The example they gave was to hit pause when you are trying to cattle prod him out of the house because you are running late.  It says that if you pause for 10 seconds that it gives you time to realize that maybe he's had a hard week at work, or maybe he doesn't want to be doing whatever it is you are on your way to go do...and that a couple of minutes really isn't worth getting upset over.  On the other hand, if he's actually a jerk and a pain, then you tried, right?  Yeah....okay.  I think I may actually have to try this myself just to see what pops into my head.


If you have one minute....embrace each other gently and gently synchronize your breathing with his.  Bwahahahaha!  What?  Are you kidding me?  I suppose that this is an exercise in which you are to focus on each other and make a connection.  Seriously, can't this be done just by hugging.  Like a regular hug, without having to synchronizing your breathing?  


If you have 2 minutes...write down three things that he's done lately that you appreciate, and then leave the list for him to read (or email it, or text it). Okay.  I can see how this would work.  Maybe I will give this one a try too.


If you have 3 minutes...sitting or standing close to him, start moving your body in a way that mimics him.  What?  It's something about being fun (uh...I can think of other fun things to do in 3 minutes) and activating your "empathy circuits".  Uh, yeah.  If anyone is willing to do this, will you please let me know how it works for you?


If you have 5 minutes....try a daily forgiveness ritual.  The article actually suggests telling him (and him telling you) that you forgive the other for either knowingly or unknowingly ticking you off.  Really?  It says that it's "like a shot of immunity from fighting".  I think I'm feeling sick.  I don't even have anything nice to say about this.  If I have 5 minutes alone with my husband...I'd rather be doing something else that takes longer than 5 minutes!  Okay, I'd take a 5 minute cuddle if that's all we had.


I have something that might just be better than all of these "suggestions".  Why don't you just be nice and considerate of each other?  Make an effort for that quick kiss or hug.  I know that I've been trying that...and it seems to be helping.  =)


So, maybe let's just keep it simple and see how that works.

Because I think I may have writers block...

I just ready Kristy K's blog over at Learning as They Grow.  She won some awards for her blog from some of her blogging friends.  Yay!  Good job Kristy!

She is supposed to pass them onto some other bloggers, but she is choosing to skip that step and said that people could claim them for themselves if they would write a blog of 10 things about yourself.


I'm not trying to claim any awards, but I thought that it sounded like fun.


I also have been trying to write for the last couple of days, and I seem to have some creative blockage going on.  Couldn't be that I'm about to give birth?


So I'm going to write 10 things about myself....things that you would probably never guess (or maybe you would).


1.  I'm actually worried that I may not have 10 things to write.


2.  One of the reasons we didn't have a traditional wedding here is because I couldn't have my grandfather walk me down the aisle without my father throwing a fit.  (If I had only been older and wiser, I would have asked him, but I don't regret getting married in Jamaica one bit).


3.  I'm a little OCD when it comes to cleaning.  I only use certain products, and I always do things a certain way...and it drives me batty if it is done differently.


4.  I STILL watch every season of the Real World on MTV.  Yes, I know I'm too old, but I still watch.


5.  I have a chocolate addiction.  It's bad.  I would eat chocolate all day long if I could.  


6.  I originally wanted to have 6 kids.  Uhh...totally insane I know.  I think we will be good with 3 kids and 1 dog.  That's equal to 4.  Anyone that has a dog would agree.


7.  I really hate my house.  We have great neighbors (except the trampoline people that live behind us).  It's really close to all of the schools.  It's in a great location.  I hate it because we have virtually NO privacy.


8.  On one hand I'm not worried about having 3 kids.  On the other, I'm scared to death.  Now we're REALLY outnumbered!


9.  I can be a real bad ass.  Don't mess with me, my kids, my husband, or even my close friends.  I don't put up with ANY crap from ANYONE!  I'm not afraid to let you know it either.


10.  I am totally lacking in self-esteem since I had kids.  I used to be the hot girl and I knew it.  I now know no such thing, and I totally need to find it again.


Okay.  That's 10 things.  Hmmm.  Maybe I can finally get some writing going on out of these!


If you want to share something about yourself, that would be great!  Just leave it in the comment section.

Operation Reconnection - The "Fun" Stuff

So I think that you can guess what I'm talking about when I say "fun" stuff.


If you can't, it's sex.


Don't worry, I won't get graphic.  If you wanted me to, you're in the wrong place for that.  =)

Since Jon and I have been together for almost 14 years, I would say that we have the whole sex thing down.  We know what we're doing (obviously since I'm about to give birth to our third child).  

Here's the thing though.  

Just because we know what we're doing, doesn't mean that it's not routine.  Meaning, that at some point it has to be more than Tab A and Slot B.  Or Tab P and Slot V....hahahaha.  Okay, not that funny...but it's a little funny.

So it's not that it's not fun, it's not that it isn't or hasn't been good, but when you have been with someone for a long time it turns into a routine.  Not to mention, when you have two small children and one on the way (and a dog) it tends to be...oh hey, we have 15 minutes....meet you upstairs.  It's just where our life is right now, and this was part of why we are/were having relationship issues.

Just because you do it, does not mean that you are connected.  (I know that some people may say it can keep your relationship going, but I have to disagree...at least a little bit).

Before I went to visit my counselor recently, I had actually told my husband that I was just doing it to "throw him a bone".  We've all been there.  We all do it now and then...we just want to sit and not do ANYTHING, but we know that is what THEY want, so we do it.

I wasn't feeling connected to him because there was NO romance involved.  And by romance, I mean there was literally no touching outside of sexy time.  No hand holding...very little kissing.  No compassion for each other.  So I really wasn't feeling it.  And every time he DID touch me (in any way) I felt that what he wanted was a little something something.  HE wasn't feeling connected because I wasn't really into it.

Ugh....it's a horrible cycle.  We (as women) need to feel loved to be into (I mean really into) sexy time.  They need us to be into it to feel loved.  Who the heck designed it this way????  ANYWAY!  That's the way it is.  We have to work with what we have so that we can continue to love ourselves, our husbands....and sexy time!

So my counselor suggested that we get rid of sex.  Yes.  You heard me.  Not permanently, but just for awhile.  She suggested that we just take it off of the table (or bed...or where-ever) until after baby #3 was born and I got the go-ahead from the doctor afterward.  Don't worry, there's more to it than just not having sex.  She said if we take sex out of the picture, we could learn to be more passionate with each other.  We could learn to hold hands, and kiss, and hug, and all of those other wonderful relationship things WITHOUT feeling obligated to have sex.  It kind-of seemed weird at first, but once I thought about it, it TOTALLY made sense.  I brought it up to Jon when discussing the whole nurturing our marriage conversation.  He was NOT thrilled with this idea at first, but he did reluctantly agree.


Guess what?


Totally genius.


It worked.


And it only took a week.


I know that my counselor suggested starting right away and not having sexy time until after the baby, but honestly, it really did only take about a week before I was feeling reconnected to my husband (much to his delightful surprise).  And he wants to show more affection.  We are both getting what we need from our marriage to make sure that we feel loved...so that we can continue to nurture our marriage as a whole....not just parts of it.


Now, I know that there are times and issues that are involved when the physical part of a marriage can't function properly.  I have had this issue (part of why I have been in physical therapy for so long).  All I have to say is that having children does NOT have to change the fun stuff.  It CAN be the way it was before.  You DON'T have to live with it, and you SHOULDN'T.  It can be fixed.  It can even be BETTER than it was before (yes, yes it can).  I never knew this before I met my physical therapist.  Because my life has been affected by pregnancy and childbirth (and improved by physical therapy) I am choosing to help other women as my career as a physical therapy assistant.  I want other women to know they are NOT the only ones, and that it is TEMPORARY.  So if you think this may be part of your problem, just know that it doesn't have to be. 

So, yes.  We have the fun stuff back!  I'm excited about that, and so is Jon.  Now we just have to survive the sleep deprivation that baby #3 will be bringing.... 

Also, my friend does a series on Fridays which is not only funny, but gives a lot of good advice.  Check it out!  Just click on the Let's Get Physical below and look for the Physical Friday series on her blog!

The saga of my mother...one of many.

Okay, so I've been trying to write a post about my mother for days now.  I have tried this at my husbands suggestion.  He seems to think that it will be cleansing for me.  I think that it's blocking my creative writing.

I can't come up with the right thing to say.  I mean, I don't think that I can accurately sum up the whole thing in one tiny blog post.  And I don't have much emotion about the subject as a whole.


This is almost like a dead subject to me.  No pun intended.  That means that my mother is dying of cancer (three different kinds at this point) and really is on borrowed time.


Before you start to feel sad for me, please don't.  If I had any LESS of a relationship with my mother, it would totally be non-existent.

I'm not saying that our relationship has always been this bad.  It hasn't.  There have actually been times in my life that it has been okay....all of which only existed AFTER I moved out.  So since I have been living with Jon for the last 12ish years, I would say that maybe 6 of those would include having a somewhat non-hateful relationship with my mom.


Hey, you don't always win the lottery in the parent pool.  I didn't win.  I spent a lot of my time being angry about it.  I spent even more time wishing for a mom that I was never going to have.  So I got over being angry.  She is the way she is, and she has been for 66 years, she's not going to change now, so I (and in turn my husband) deal with what we have to the best of our abilities.


Our relationship took it's last turn after Munchkin was born.  You would think that having a grandchild would do wonders to boost someone's mood and well-being.  Apparently not.  They (my parents) wanted us to bring Munchkin over to their house.  We didn't want to do that because, no lie, they are hoarders.  As bad as you see on TV.  Actually, I have pictures that were taken in early November of 2007...it's MUCH worse now.  This is why I refused to take my daughter to their house.

 Dining room looking through to the rest of the ground level.

 Completely blocked front doorway/entry.

 The bedroom.

I told them if they wanted her to come over, they had to clean up, and they didn't.  So we told them that they were more than welcome to come to our house ANY TIME.  We even gave them an open and standing invitation to come over for brunch on Sunday mornings.  They did not take advantage of this.  Then approaching Munchkin's first birthday, I was getting word that my mother was talking about us (pretty much me specifically) behind my back.  She was telling people that I wouldn't let them see their granddaughter....among other not-so-nice things (all of which was totally not true).  And it was coming from people that didn't have any other agenda than telling me the truth.  This was not the first time in my life that she was running her mouth, but this WAS the first time that I stood up for myself.   I told her that I didn't appreciate it, and it wasn't acceptable behavior.  We didn't hear from them for about 6 months....AT ALL.  Yeah.  I know.


I finally saw them for the first time when I was about 6 months pregnant with the Little Man.  It sort-of got the relationship ball rolling again, but things have been very strained since then.


The day I had Little Man, they insisted coming to the hospital and sitting all day.  They were there for the Munchkin, and much by accident my mom ended up being in the room for the delivery, which is NOT what I wanted, but my daughter decided to make her arrival VERY quickly.  So everyone that was there, got to witness me give birth.  So, I guess she felt entitled to see Little Man make his entrance.  I told the nursing staff to keep her out (which they did) and my mother turned the birth of MY son into something about her.  She raised hell and literally berated the nursing staff, my husband (by a nasty voicemail message from my father), and my two of my best friends (who I wanted to be there).  My husband shot out of that room as soon as we heard what was going on.  I don't know what was said, but apparently she apologized to everyone.....EXCEPT FOR ME!  My dad came in and tried to make excuses...I told him that this wasn't about her, and bad behavior of ANY kind wasn't acceptable, and they could leave if the attitude didn't change.  Yeah, still haven't gotten an apology for that one (and I won't....ever).


So this brings me to now.  Which, by the way, they maybe see the kids once a month....it's actually less often than that I think.  

On Mother's Day....my THIRD ONE that I have NOT been able to do what I have wanted (okay, yes, I know this is selfish, but really, all I ever have wanted to do is spend a nice day with my husband and my kids....and nobody else!), we had my family over for dinner (my parents, my brother, sister-in-law, and their kids).  I decided that we would have them for dinner because it really will be my mom's last Mother's Day, and my brother HATES having functions at his house.  Yes, he's weird, and yes, it's annoying.  He threw such a fit about actually doing something last year, I just thought it would be a nice gesture to have it at our house.

Long story short....we (meaning Jon and I) were basically ignored in our own house (yes, by pretty much everyone, but they always pay attention to the kids).  There was complaining that the kids didn't want to play with them (mainly by my parents)....hello, they barely know who you are!....there were snarky comments made to my 18 year old niece (by my mother) who is just shy of 5 months pregnant....and then the subject of Baby #3's impending birth came up.


CRAP.


My dad said, "keep us apprised of the situation, we want to be there".  Yes.  This is actually what he said.  He's just full of weird and awkward sayings.  I said, "we are asking that no one come to the hospital until the day after the birth".  


My parents looked at me like I was nuts.


Once second my mom said, "well, that will be nice to be able to bring him into the world as a couple"......and then she said, "well, your friend can just be there and take over like she did the last time!".  I looked straight at her and said, "No one will be there.  No one."  She actually rolled her eyes at me.


Yes, my best friend will be there...I don't really care if my parents find out or not, but they don't need to know that at this point.


And THAT made me regret the decision to try and be nice about it.  I should have just told them with the way that they behaved when Little Man was born, got them an automatic un-invite to the hospital.  Stupid me for not wanting to be mean about it.


Guess what?  I haven't heard from them since.  I don't think we'll hear from or see them until Newbie is born (if I decide to call).  Yes.  Mean, I know, but at this point, really?  You get what you give.  I want to protect my children from insanity like that too much to let my parents behave like that around us.


So that was my Mother's Day.  I'm glad that I will never have to host another one like that ever again.  Yes.  Sad to hear, I know.  I'm okay with it.  I've accepted the fact that my mom will not be here....and it will be soon that she will pass, I'm sure.  I've already grieved though.  A LONG time ago.  I have grieved the relationship that was never had.  I have grieved the mom that I wanted that I didn't get.  

I'm good.  

What I CAN do is be the best mom to MY kids that I can be.  I can give them what I always wanted and never got.  I have the will to be a better person for my kids and give them a better life than I had.  


These are the only pictures that I have (and possibly even exist) of my mother and I, which were taken at the point our relationship was at it's best.

My wedding day.  December 15, 2003

December 2005

One of the MANY pictures I already have a me and my babies!!!!

So I guess this is the way the story of my mother is going to be.  Spotty and not told in one sitting.  I can't just sit and tell the story from beginning to end because it's just too messy.  The best I can do is explain it as it comes up.  I suppose at some point there will be a whole story here, it just may take awhile.