Mommyhood....the not so good, the bad, and totally ugly.

As Mother's Day nears, I feel compelled to write something about being a mom.

Or maybe I'm really just putting off studying for my math final tomorrow.

I have so many things swarming around in my brain....studying won't work at the moment, so I guess I need to empty the mind (okay...no comments from the peanut gallery) so I can make room for dividing polynomials (I apparently need this skill for some reason).

I absolutely, no questions asked, hands down LOVE MY CHILDREN!


However, I am being faced at the moment with a case of "the kids are driving me nuts".  I have been home everyday with them for 9 weeks.  Now, let me just say...I feel lucky to have the opportunity to spend endless amounts of time with them.....even if it can't be all that I want it to.  I don't have much time away from them at all....maybe about 6 hours a week total.  This is for all of the lovely doctors appointments I have right now that I WON'T take them to.  (Hello...some things are just NOT appropriate)  I don't have a chance to miss them, and they don't get a chance to miss me.  They are over the moon when my sitter comes so I can leave for the doctor's office.  They are kind-of happy to see me when I get home.  It's never the "mommy mommy mommy" excitement that you would love to have greeting you after a relaxing afternoon away.


I have ONE TIME....taken an afternoon for myself since I have been off work.  I got crap for it from my husband (he's been able to hang out with his friends several times since I have been off) before I left for the traumatizing shopping trip.  I also made a stop by Ambiance....which also backfired later in that evening (I suppose that's a whole different post).  So while I was glad to get out of the house (even though I had a purpose...and wasn't really supposed to be out of the house) I didn't fully get to enjoy my outing.  Because of my husband's snarky comment, I felt guilty for WANTING to get away.


I WANT to be the best mom that I can be.  I'm not.  I admit it.  I am not a good mom right now.  I have no patience.  The kids are usually trying to physically harm each other.  Little Man doesn't listen (which I have to reason is because he is a boy because we never had that issue with Munchkin).  So I find myself yelling.  A lot.  It seems to be the only way to get their attention.  They seem to do things they know they can semi get away with (let's face it, I'm not moving too fast these days) and the second that I turn my back, it's like a free-for-all.


IT'S TOTAL INSANITY!!!!!


My husband gets a little cagey with it after about 3 hours....I'm in the midst of it for 13 to 14 hours a day. Non-stop.  They don't nap at the same time (so one of them is awake at all times)...that will be coming soon (napping at the same time), however, Newbie will be here and well, we all know that newborns are predictably unpredictable.


I KNOW in my heart that once Newbie gets here it will all be much easier.  I know that sounds totally ridiculous, but it will be.  I will be able to walk like a normal person.  I won't be in constant pain.  (Pregnancy does NOT agree with me)  I will be able to breathe....shower completely and totally ALONE...heck, I'll finally be alone for the first time in 9 months!  All of you moms out there know exactly what I'm talking about.  No matter how much you love your children...or how much you enjoy (or not) being pregnant, you are never alone for that period of time.  


So maybe all of these feelings make me a bad mom, or maybe they just simply make me human.  

We are pressured to DO IT ALL!  Be supermom.  But the simple truth is that we can't be everything to our whole family everyday without a little time to ourselves (and at this point, I think it would be nice to use the bathroom...for 5 measly minutes by myself).  Our lives are all so busy that we need to take our alone time as we can get it.  The 15 minute drive to the doctor's office.  The possible 5 minutes in the bathroom.  That precarious time in the morning when you're awake and no one else is.


I will revisit this statement....we need time to reflect and time to miss our children.  And they need to miss us too!  There is nothing like coming home and having your kids be so excited to see you.  I miss that.  I want them to want to spend time with me again...and I want to be able to have FUN with them again.


I know the time is coming, but it's hard when the want for something is so strong you could just taste it.


So even though this isn't a warm, fuzzy, mushy post about Mother's Day, it's reality.  I think we all feel this way at some point.  We just aren't encouraged to talk about it.  So if I get flack from this post, so be it.  I know I'm not the only one.  In the long run, if it opens up communication between moms, then it's a good thing.  At the very least, I feel better now that it's not bouncing around in my brain.  

I guess that means I'm ready to study for that test....

We're doing it....AGAIN!!!

Yesterday I got to thinking.  Uh oh.  Did you smell the smoke?



Baby #3 (nickname yet to be determined) will be arriving before we know it.  My doctor said that she would like to induce me at 37ish weeks again, so that places Newbie's arrival at approximately Memorial Day weekend. 

OH CRAP!!!!!!

Believe me, in case you haven't noticed, I tend to be an overly organized, and for the most part prepared person.  While I made sure to get #3's clothes all washed, folded, put away, and hung up....NOTHING ELSE IS READY!


OH CRAP!!!!!!


I have been having major issues...I'm not sure that I WILL make it to Memorial Day weekend.  


OH.  CRAP!  I. AM. NOT.  PREPARED.  AT ALL!


So, I enlisted my wonderful (poor, disgruntled) husband to help me get everything baby and newborn related up to the living room so that I could hold my head in my hands and cry look through everything and get it ready.


I had to remember how to put the infant seats back together.  I tore them apart and washed and cleaned them after Little Man stopped using them (in hopes of selling them and making a little extra money, and getting them OUT of the house...which we obviously know DIDN'T happen).  That took a couple of minutes.....but I finally did figure it out!  At that point (once the car seats were together) I realized that we own (are you ready for this) 8 car seats.  Yes.  8.  Two infant seats.  Three convertible car seats (rear and front facing), and three regular front facing car seats for 22lbs and up.  Since Jon and I work 1st and 2nd shifts we each needed our own set (because neither one of us were willing to do the car seat swap).  So that makes 8.  Ugh.


I have ALL of this breast pump stuff to clean and organize.  I also have to remember how it all goes together...and how it works.  I know Little Man is only 16 months old, but believe me, you put it out of your mind as soon as you can!  Yes, I'm going to breastfeed/pump for the first 2 weeks, then I am taking my body back.  I made the effort for the other two, so I think that I should for this one too.  Hmm, I should get started on that....


We have the bassinet that will be in our room for the first couple of weeks...if we can stand it that long.  I know that sounds horrible, but I have loud sleepers, and if I want to get sleep, it's much easier if they are in their own room.  I think that I kept the Munchkin in our room for between 8 and 10 weeks.  Little Man went into his own room before 6 weeks, so....maybe 4 for the Newbie?  I don't know.  I love my children, but I VALUE my sleep.  And to be a half-way decent mom and somewhat productive person, I need some sleep!


Then there's the pack and play, and the swing, and the play mats, and the bottles, and the bibs, and the burp cloths, and the baby burrito blankets (receiving blankets), and the fuzzy blankets.....all of the numerous items that a newborn requires.  There are so many things that I forgot about in the short amount of time that it's been since Little Man has used them.


So I guess I'm nesting, or at least TRYING to be prepared for something that is totally and utterly unpredictable.

And here we go on one of life's wildest rides....AGAIN!!!! Wooohoo!!!!!

When shopping becomes traumatizing...

Okay, I know that for a lot of women, shopping for clothes can be traumatizing, no matter what the item.  Generally speaking, I don't have body issues (most of the time).  I have been relatively skinny all of my life...(insert cussing and and nasty comments here)...until I started to have children.

I know that this is the case for so many of us.  You decide to bring children into the world, and not only do you have to give up your life as you know it (which is NOT a bad thing), you also have to give up your body.  

 Before children.

 April of 2006.  Mexico.  127lbs.

When you have your first baby, you think everything is a wonderful, amazing process, and you don't so much notice the weight gain...I mean REALLY notice it until after you give birth.  You still have grand delusions of getting back into to your pre-pregnancy clothes right away.....until you realize that NOTHING FITS!!!!!  You still have this belly that looks like you are about 5 months pregnant, and for some reason, your derriere didn't immediately shrink back to it's normal size as soon as that cute little person came out of your body.  I accepted this...it actually didn't bother me at all (until much later when we decided to go on vacation in spring of 2008).  I embraced being a little bigger (okay, honestly, I started out a size 5, and was an 11 after the Munchkin was born...and stayed that way until I got pregnant with the Little Man).

Baby #1

 Morning of Munchkin's birth, June 2007.  160lbs.  Size 11.

Then you have your second child.  You don't really have any body expectations at this point.  You know what is going to happen, and you don't worry about it, until every week at the doctor's office, the scale goes up 5 pounds (yes, every week, I gained 20 pounds that month)!  The bad part at this point was that I was on bed-rest and I could NOT do anything to stop the RAPID weight gain.  After the Little Man arrived, I knew what to expect about what my body was going to look like, but I didn't like it either.  Again, I had to go out and buy clothes so that I could go to work in something other than sweatpants.  I ended up being a size 13 after Little Man.

Baby #2

 

Morning of Little Man's birth, January 2009.  180lbs.  Size 13.

Then the weight started melting away.  Literally.  I wasn't doing anything.  I wasn't dieting.  I wasn't exercising.  I WAS under an incredible amount of stress at that point.  So, when you live on coffee and happy pills (yes...I admit it, and I needed them, AND THEY WORK!) you tend to loose a little weight.  I actually got down to a size 9!  And then......

Family Pictures.  Early Fall 2009.  140ish lbs.  Size 9.

I found out I was pregnant with #3.  I was a little panicky at this point.  I had finally started feeling better about my body.  And here I was pregnant again, facing another possible 50 pound weight gain.  Honestly, I have barely gained 20lbs. with this pregnancy.  My hips, derriere, and thighs, however, did not get the DO NOT EXPAND memo.  I was good up until about March...then things went a little downhill.  

Baby #3

 April 15, 2010.  32 weeks pregnant.  160lbs.

NOTHING FITS!  I KNOW that I'm pregnant.  And no, I have NOT gained much weight, but let's be honest here...my butt is wide.  Wider than it has ever been before.  It's uncharted territory!  I know that I will be birthing my THIRD child in just a few weeks.  People constantly tell me how cute I look.  How I'm all belly (we'll just wait and see what happens when the girth of my belly isn't covering up the girth of everything else).  I mean it's great that people want to be polite, but let's not ignore reality here.  It really doesn't make me feel better, to me it means that people are noticing (how wide I actually am) and are trying to make me feel better about it.

I know I said that this blog was about shopping being traumatizing...and it is.  I'm getting to it right now.  I feel that you needed the proper background information.

This past Sunday it was rather warm.  I was going through my mishmash of maternity clothes trying to find a pair of capris (that actually fit) to wear.  WASN'T HAPPENING.  So Jon, my dear, wonderful husband suggested that I try a pair of HIS shorts on.  Here is part of the actual conversation.....


"Here, just try them on."  
"They aren't going to fit."   
"How do you know, just try them."
"Because I know.  They aren't going to fit.  I'll show you."
And then I put them on and pulled them up.  And no, they didn't fit.
"Oh....you're right.  They don't fit.  Why don't you buy some shorts while you're out with Melissa today."

So, yes.  I knew what I was in for.  I even knew what size I had to look for.  I just needed to try on the shorts to make sure they actually fit.  I tried them on, and they did indeed fit.  They actually don't look too bad (because at this point, not too bad is the best to hope for).

I brought them home and did fashion show (I always do fashion show....it's imperative to make sure you look halfway decent in the stuff you just bought).  Jon commented that they didn't look too bad.  Okay.  Good purchase.  I'm good for the rest of the summer (because as we all know, your butt doesn't immediately shrink the moment you give birth).

I held up a pair (that I wasn't wearing) and said, "Wow, these look really big when you hold them up."  Jon agreed and inquired about the size.  I asked him if he really wanted to know.  He said that he did.  So I told him.  Size 15.  

He then said, "Weren't you a size 5 before you got pregnant with the Munchkin?"  
"Yes dear, yes I was." 
"Oh well, I'd still do ya."

Aww.  How sweet.  So as traumatic as the numbers seem, I suppose it's really not that bad.  Especially when your husband seems (or at least pretends) not to care or notice that you have an ever expanding body.

 
 

How I became the mom of three

I never, EVER thought that I would love being a mom so much.  These little people bring me so much joy every day.  I was worried that I wouldn't know what to do, or how to do it.  I didn't really have a good example growing up (that's another story for another time).  Once I had my Munchkin (my daughter, now almost 3), I fell into motherhood like it was what I was really meant to do. 

My daughter is the light of our lives.  She is smart (everyone thinks their kids are smart, but I’m afraid at some point she’s going to mutiny and take over….probably by the time she’s 5).  She is energetic, caring, funny, all of the things that you would want your daughter to be.  Of course, though, we wanted to have more than one child, so when she was 6 months old, we started trying for another baby.  I know, we are nuts.  We didn’t fully think it through, but it took awhile to get pregnant with her, so we thought that it also may take awhile the second time.  We found out that we were pregnant with baby #2 shortly before Munchkin’s first birthday.

 The Munchkin June 8, 2007

Nineteen months and 1 day after my daughter was born, my first son arrived.  Our Little Man came into our lives and completed our family.  It was a wakeup call to be the mother of two small children.  I don’t think that I fully appreciated the ease of having one child until we had little man.  It all got figured out, and then I became SUPERMOM!  The mom of all moms.  I was organized.  I was doing pretty well.  I was over sleep deprivation.  I decided to go back to school.  I was working on my volunteer hours for my degree (Physical Therapy Assistant).  We were doing things as a family of four.  We had plans for vacations.  We were starting to figure out the balance of being parents and adults.

 The Little Man January 9, 2009

Saturday October, 10, 2009.  I was a week late.  I figured I would swing by the store on my way home from class and pick up a test……just to make sure.  I was on the NuvaRing, but I had never, EVER been a week late while I was taking birth control.  My husband was at work that morning, so I was by myself (respectively…the kiddos were napping after I picked them up from the sitter after class).  So I took the test.  It didn’t even need the 3 minutes.  I pretty much looked at the thing and two lines popped up.  OH.  MY.  GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Oh, but wait, there’s more.  This all happened 8 days AFTER my husband had his vasectomy.  Now, I know you all are thinking, you can’t know you’re pregnant that fast.  His surgery was apparently 4 weeks too late, and the NuvaRing was a little too ineffective.

That is how I find myself a mom of soon to be three children three and under.  Little Man and Newbie will be about 17 months apart.  He’s due to arrive by June 10^th.  Little Man was 3 weeks early, so it’s hard to say when Newbie will get here.  I have 5 to 8 weeks to be fully prepared for a newborn.  I’m not sure how I will do.  I’m not sure how the rest of my family will do.  All I know is that I love this new little man just as much as I love my older two children.

That is how I became the mom of three.