This weekend Grandma came to town, so Jon and I had our first reconnection/nurture your marriage date!
We did this Saturday afternoon. Granted, we did do some errands while we were out, but honestly, I'm not sure that it matters what we did, just that we were spending ALONE time together.
We went out to lunch. Nothing special, we went to Swenson's for some burgers and fries. They have REALLY good burgers. It was really nice to eat without worrying about shoveling food into the kids as well!
We then went to Men's Warehouse so that Jon could spend his $50 rewards gift certificate. I will not tell you how much you have to spend to get a $50 rewards gift card....it's obscene, but totally and well deserved. He got a nice shirt to wear on another one of our dates. I promise that once we go on that date, I will make sure that a picture is taken and post it! =)
Then we did the errand portion of our date. Jon needs to get a new vehicle since we are now going to be a family of 5. Three car seats will NOT fit in his car, so he has been researching and we took the opportunity to go do the "car seat test". Let's just say he may actually have to get an SUV and not a car, so he's back to the research board on that one.
Even though our "date" wasn't just recreational, it was WONDERFUL to spend time alone together. So while I know our "dates" will not always be without purpose or function for some other part of our life, like buying diapers or grocery shopping (okay...honestly I don't know about the buying groceries part), as long as we can go do the errands and have some time alone together, I think it will do the trick!
So first date SUCCESSFUL!!!!! YAY!
I'm already looking forward to the next one!
Monday, May 31, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Operation Reconnection - Some research
So, since Operation Reconnection is in full swing, I've been consistently looking for ideas and advice on how to keep everything going (and in perspective).
I came along this article that suggests 5 fixes for a stronger relationship. I was curious, so I checked it out.
You know, they can put all kinds of crap out there. I guess at least it was entertaining (sort of) to read.
It's a list of 5 things according to extra time that you have. Okay, first of all, I know the concept of extra time is, well, there isn't any extra time....but wait. It gets better....and more ridiculous.
Disclaimer: I am in no way, shape, or form an expert. I just have some strong opinions, so here goes.
If you have 10 seconds.....hit pause. Okay what? Yes. It says hit pause on whatever it is you and he are doing and just look at him. Pretend that you are in his shoes, or think about the way he was when you first met him. The example they gave was to hit pause when you are trying to cattle prod him out of the house because you are running late. It says that if you pause for 10 seconds that it gives you time to realize that maybe he's had a hard week at work, or maybe he doesn't want to be doing whatever it is you are on your way to go do...and that a couple of minutes really isn't worth getting upset over. On the other hand, if he's actually a jerk and a pain, then you tried, right? Yeah....okay. I think I may actually have to try this myself just to see what pops into my head.
If you have one minute....embrace each other gently and gently synchronize your breathing with his. Bwahahahaha! What? Are you kidding me? I suppose that this is an exercise in which you are to focus on each other and make a connection. Seriously, can't this be done just by hugging. Like a regular hug, without having to synchronizing your breathing?
If you have 2 minutes...write down three things that he's done lately that you appreciate, and then leave the list for him to read (or email it, or text it). Okay. I can see how this would work. Maybe I will give this one a try too.
If you have 3 minutes...sitting or standing close to him, start moving your body in a way that mimics him. What? It's something about being fun (uh...I can think of other fun things to do in 3 minutes) and activating your "empathy circuits". Uh, yeah. If anyone is willing to do this, will you please let me know how it works for you?
If you have 5 minutes....try a daily forgiveness ritual. The article actually suggests telling him (and him telling you) that you forgive the other for either knowingly or unknowingly ticking you off. Really? It says that it's "like a shot of immunity from fighting". I think I'm feeling sick. I don't even have anything nice to say about this. If I have 5 minutes alone with my husband...I'd rather be doing something else that takes longer than 5 minutes! Okay, I'd take a 5 minute cuddle if that's all we had.
I have something that might just be better than all of these "suggestions". Why don't you just be nice and considerate of each other? Make an effort for that quick kiss or hug. I know that I've been trying that...and it seems to be helping. =)
So, maybe let's just keep it simple and see how that works.
I came along this article that suggests 5 fixes for a stronger relationship. I was curious, so I checked it out.
You know, they can put all kinds of crap out there. I guess at least it was entertaining (sort of) to read.
It's a list of 5 things according to extra time that you have. Okay, first of all, I know the concept of extra time is, well, there isn't any extra time....but wait. It gets better....and more ridiculous.
Disclaimer: I am in no way, shape, or form an expert. I just have some strong opinions, so here goes.
If you have 10 seconds.....hit pause. Okay what? Yes. It says hit pause on whatever it is you and he are doing and just look at him. Pretend that you are in his shoes, or think about the way he was when you first met him. The example they gave was to hit pause when you are trying to cattle prod him out of the house because you are running late. It says that if you pause for 10 seconds that it gives you time to realize that maybe he's had a hard week at work, or maybe he doesn't want to be doing whatever it is you are on your way to go do...and that a couple of minutes really isn't worth getting upset over. On the other hand, if he's actually a jerk and a pain, then you tried, right? Yeah....okay. I think I may actually have to try this myself just to see what pops into my head.
If you have one minute....embrace each other gently and gently synchronize your breathing with his. Bwahahahaha! What? Are you kidding me? I suppose that this is an exercise in which you are to focus on each other and make a connection. Seriously, can't this be done just by hugging. Like a regular hug, without having to synchronizing your breathing?
If you have 2 minutes...write down three things that he's done lately that you appreciate, and then leave the list for him to read (or email it, or text it). Okay. I can see how this would work. Maybe I will give this one a try too.
If you have 3 minutes...sitting or standing close to him, start moving your body in a way that mimics him. What? It's something about being fun (uh...I can think of other fun things to do in 3 minutes) and activating your "empathy circuits". Uh, yeah. If anyone is willing to do this, will you please let me know how it works for you?
If you have 5 minutes....try a daily forgiveness ritual. The article actually suggests telling him (and him telling you) that you forgive the other for either knowingly or unknowingly ticking you off. Really? It says that it's "like a shot of immunity from fighting". I think I'm feeling sick. I don't even have anything nice to say about this. If I have 5 minutes alone with my husband...I'd rather be doing something else that takes longer than 5 minutes! Okay, I'd take a 5 minute cuddle if that's all we had.
I have something that might just be better than all of these "suggestions". Why don't you just be nice and considerate of each other? Make an effort for that quick kiss or hug. I know that I've been trying that...and it seems to be helping. =)
So, maybe let's just keep it simple and see how that works.
Because I think I may have writers block...
I just ready Kristy K's blog over at Learning as They Grow. She won some awards for her blog from some of her blogging friends. Yay! Good job Kristy!
She is supposed to pass them onto some other bloggers, but she is choosing to skip that step and said that people could claim them for themselves if they would write a blog of 10 things about yourself.
I'm not trying to claim any awards, but I thought that it sounded like fun.
I also have been trying to write for the last couple of days, and I seem to have some creative blockage going on. Couldn't be that I'm about to give birth?
So I'm going to write 10 things about myself....things that you would probably never guess (or maybe you would).
1. I'm actually worried that I may not have 10 things to write.
2. One of the reasons we didn't have a traditional wedding here is because I couldn't have my grandfather walk me down the aisle without my father throwing a fit. (If I had only been older and wiser, I would have asked him, but I don't regret getting married in Jamaica one bit).
3. I'm a little OCD when it comes to cleaning. I only use certain products, and I always do things a certain way...and it drives me batty if it is done differently.
4. I STILL watch every season of the Real World on MTV. Yes, I know I'm too old, but I still watch.
5. I have a chocolate addiction. It's bad. I would eat chocolate all day long if I could.
6. I originally wanted to have 6 kids. Uhh...totally insane I know. I think we will be good with 3 kids and 1 dog. That's equal to 4. Anyone that has a dog would agree.
7. I really hate my house. We have great neighbors (except the trampoline people that live behind us). It's really close to all of the schools. It's in a great location. I hate it because we have virtually NO privacy.
8. On one hand I'm not worried about having 3 kids. On the other, I'm scared to death. Now we're REALLY outnumbered!
9. I can be a real bad ass. Don't mess with me, my kids, my husband, or even my close friends. I don't put up with ANY crap from ANYONE! I'm not afraid to let you know it either.
10. I am totally lacking in self-esteem since I had kids. I used to be the hot girl and I knew it. I now know no such thing, and I totally need to find it again.
Okay. That's 10 things. Hmmm. Maybe I can finally get some writing going on out of these!
If you want to share something about yourself, that would be great! Just leave it in the comment section.
She is supposed to pass them onto some other bloggers, but she is choosing to skip that step and said that people could claim them for themselves if they would write a blog of 10 things about yourself.
I'm not trying to claim any awards, but I thought that it sounded like fun.
I also have been trying to write for the last couple of days, and I seem to have some creative blockage going on. Couldn't be that I'm about to give birth?
So I'm going to write 10 things about myself....things that you would probably never guess (or maybe you would).
1. I'm actually worried that I may not have 10 things to write.
2. One of the reasons we didn't have a traditional wedding here is because I couldn't have my grandfather walk me down the aisle without my father throwing a fit. (If I had only been older and wiser, I would have asked him, but I don't regret getting married in Jamaica one bit).
3. I'm a little OCD when it comes to cleaning. I only use certain products, and I always do things a certain way...and it drives me batty if it is done differently.
4. I STILL watch every season of the Real World on MTV. Yes, I know I'm too old, but I still watch.
5. I have a chocolate addiction. It's bad. I would eat chocolate all day long if I could.
6. I originally wanted to have 6 kids. Uhh...totally insane I know. I think we will be good with 3 kids and 1 dog. That's equal to 4. Anyone that has a dog would agree.
7. I really hate my house. We have great neighbors (except the trampoline people that live behind us). It's really close to all of the schools. It's in a great location. I hate it because we have virtually NO privacy.
8. On one hand I'm not worried about having 3 kids. On the other, I'm scared to death. Now we're REALLY outnumbered!
9. I can be a real bad ass. Don't mess with me, my kids, my husband, or even my close friends. I don't put up with ANY crap from ANYONE! I'm not afraid to let you know it either.
10. I am totally lacking in self-esteem since I had kids. I used to be the hot girl and I knew it. I now know no such thing, and I totally need to find it again.
Okay. That's 10 things. Hmmm. Maybe I can finally get some writing going on out of these!
If you want to share something about yourself, that would be great! Just leave it in the comment section.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Operation Reconnection - The "Fun" Stuff
So I think that you can guess what I'm talking about when I say "fun" stuff.
If you can't, it's sex.
Don't worry, I won't get graphic. If you wanted me to, you're in the wrong place for that. =)
Since Jon and I have been together for almost 14 years, I would say that we have the whole sex thing down. We know what we're doing (obviously since I'm about to give birth to our third child).
Here's the thing though.
Just because we know what we're doing, doesn't mean that it's not routine. Meaning, that at some point it has to be more than Tab A and Slot B. Or Tab P and Slot V....hahahaha. Okay, not that funny...but it's a little funny.
So it's not that it's not fun, it's not that it isn't or hasn't been good, but when you have been with someone for a long time it turns into a routine. Not to mention, when you have two small children and one on the way (and a dog) it tends to be...oh hey, we have 15 minutes....meet you upstairs. It's just where our life is right now, and this was part of why we are/were having relationship issues.
Just because you do it, does not mean that you are connected. (I know that some people may say it can keep your relationship going, but I have to disagree...at least a little bit).
Before I went to visit my counselor recently, I had actually told my husband that I was just doing it to "throw him a bone". We've all been there. We all do it now and then...we just want to sit and not do ANYTHING, but we know that is what THEY want, so we do it.
I wasn't feeling connected to him because there was NO romance involved. And by romance, I mean there was literally no touching outside of sexy time. No hand holding...very little kissing. No compassion for each other. So I really wasn't feeling it. And every time he DID touch me (in any way) I felt that what he wanted was a little something something. HE wasn't feeling connected because I wasn't really into it.
Ugh....it's a horrible cycle. We (as women) need to feel loved to be into (I mean really into) sexy time. They need us to be into it to feel loved. Who the heck designed it this way???? ANYWAY! That's the way it is. We have to work with what we have so that we can continue to love ourselves, our husbands....and sexy time!
So my counselor suggested that we get rid of sex. Yes. You heard me. Not permanently, but just for awhile. She suggested that we just take it off of the table (or bed...or where-ever) until after baby #3 was born and I got the go-ahead from the doctor afterward. Don't worry, there's more to it than just not having sex. She said if we take sex out of the picture, we could learn to be more passionate with each other. We could learn to hold hands, and kiss, and hug, and all of those other wonderful relationship things WITHOUT feeling obligated to have sex. It kind-of seemed weird at first, but once I thought about it, it TOTALLY made sense. I brought it up to Jon when discussing the whole nurturing our marriage conversation. He was NOT thrilled with this idea at first, but he did reluctantly agree.
Guess what?
Totally genius.
It worked.
And it only took a week.
I know that my counselor suggested starting right away and not having sexy time until after the baby, but honestly, it really did only take about a week before I was feeling reconnected to my husband (much to his delightful surprise). And he wants to show more affection. We are both getting what we need from our marriage to make sure that we feel loved...so that we can continue to nurture our marriage as a whole....not just parts of it.
Now, I know that there are times and issues that are involved when the physical part of a marriage can't function properly. I have had this issue (part of why I have been in physical therapy for so long). All I have to say is that having children does NOT have to change the fun stuff. It CAN be the way it was before. You DON'T have to live with it, and you SHOULDN'T. It can be fixed. It can even be BETTER than it was before (yes, yes it can). I never knew this before I met my physical therapist. Because my life has been affected by pregnancy and childbirth (and improved by physical therapy) I am choosing to help other women as my career as a physical therapy assistant. I want other women to know they are NOT the only ones, and that it is TEMPORARY. So if you think this may be part of your problem, just know that it doesn't have to be.
So, yes. We have the fun stuff back! I'm excited about that, and so is Jon. Now we just have to survive the sleep deprivation that baby #3 will be bringing....
Also, my friend does a series on Fridays which is not only funny, but gives a lot of good advice. Check it out! Just click on the Let's Get Physical below and look for the Physical Friday series on her blog!
If you can't, it's sex.
Don't worry, I won't get graphic. If you wanted me to, you're in the wrong place for that. =)
Since Jon and I have been together for almost 14 years, I would say that we have the whole sex thing down. We know what we're doing (obviously since I'm about to give birth to our third child).
Here's the thing though.
Just because we know what we're doing, doesn't mean that it's not routine. Meaning, that at some point it has to be more than Tab A and Slot B. Or Tab P and Slot V....hahahaha. Okay, not that funny...but it's a little funny.
So it's not that it's not fun, it's not that it isn't or hasn't been good, but when you have been with someone for a long time it turns into a routine. Not to mention, when you have two small children and one on the way (and a dog) it tends to be...oh hey, we have 15 minutes....meet you upstairs. It's just where our life is right now, and this was part of why we are/were having relationship issues.
Just because you do it, does not mean that you are connected. (I know that some people may say it can keep your relationship going, but I have to disagree...at least a little bit).
Before I went to visit my counselor recently, I had actually told my husband that I was just doing it to "throw him a bone". We've all been there. We all do it now and then...we just want to sit and not do ANYTHING, but we know that is what THEY want, so we do it.
I wasn't feeling connected to him because there was NO romance involved. And by romance, I mean there was literally no touching outside of sexy time. No hand holding...very little kissing. No compassion for each other. So I really wasn't feeling it. And every time he DID touch me (in any way) I felt that what he wanted was a little something something. HE wasn't feeling connected because I wasn't really into it.
Ugh....it's a horrible cycle. We (as women) need to feel loved to be into (I mean really into) sexy time. They need us to be into it to feel loved. Who the heck designed it this way???? ANYWAY! That's the way it is. We have to work with what we have so that we can continue to love ourselves, our husbands....and sexy time!
So my counselor suggested that we get rid of sex. Yes. You heard me. Not permanently, but just for awhile. She suggested that we just take it off of the table (or bed...or where-ever) until after baby #3 was born and I got the go-ahead from the doctor afterward. Don't worry, there's more to it than just not having sex. She said if we take sex out of the picture, we could learn to be more passionate with each other. We could learn to hold hands, and kiss, and hug, and all of those other wonderful relationship things WITHOUT feeling obligated to have sex. It kind-of seemed weird at first, but once I thought about it, it TOTALLY made sense. I brought it up to Jon when discussing the whole nurturing our marriage conversation. He was NOT thrilled with this idea at first, but he did reluctantly agree.
Guess what?
Totally genius.
It worked.
And it only took a week.
I know that my counselor suggested starting right away and not having sexy time until after the baby, but honestly, it really did only take about a week before I was feeling reconnected to my husband (much to his delightful surprise). And he wants to show more affection. We are both getting what we need from our marriage to make sure that we feel loved...so that we can continue to nurture our marriage as a whole....not just parts of it.
Now, I know that there are times and issues that are involved when the physical part of a marriage can't function properly. I have had this issue (part of why I have been in physical therapy for so long). All I have to say is that having children does NOT have to change the fun stuff. It CAN be the way it was before. You DON'T have to live with it, and you SHOULDN'T. It can be fixed. It can even be BETTER than it was before (yes, yes it can). I never knew this before I met my physical therapist. Because my life has been affected by pregnancy and childbirth (and improved by physical therapy) I am choosing to help other women as my career as a physical therapy assistant. I want other women to know they are NOT the only ones, and that it is TEMPORARY. So if you think this may be part of your problem, just know that it doesn't have to be.
So, yes. We have the fun stuff back! I'm excited about that, and so is Jon. Now we just have to survive the sleep deprivation that baby #3 will be bringing....
Also, my friend does a series on Fridays which is not only funny, but gives a lot of good advice. Check it out! Just click on the Let's Get Physical below and look for the Physical Friday series on her blog!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
The saga of my mother...one of many.
Okay, so I've been trying to write a post about my mother for days now. I have tried this at my husbands suggestion. He seems to think that it will be cleansing for me. I think that it's blocking my creative writing.
I can't come up with the right thing to say. I mean, I don't think that I can accurately sum up the whole thing in one tiny blog post. And I don't have much emotion about the subject as a whole.
This is almost like a dead subject to me. No pun intended. That means that my mother is dying of cancer (three different kinds at this point) and really is on borrowed time.
Before you start to feel sad for me, please don't. If I had any LESS of a relationship with my mother, it would totally be non-existent.
I'm not saying that our relationship has always been this bad. It hasn't. There have actually been times in my life that it has been okay....all of which only existed AFTER I moved out. So since I have been living with Jon for the last 12ish years, I would say that maybe 6 of those would include having a somewhat non-hateful relationship with my mom.
Hey, you don't always win the lottery in the parent pool. I didn't win. I spent a lot of my time being angry about it. I spent even more time wishing for a mom that I was never going to have. So I got over being angry. She is the way she is, and she has been for 66 years, she's not going to change now, so I (and in turn my husband) deal with what we have to the best of our abilities.
Our relationship took it's last turn after Munchkin was born. You would think that having a grandchild would do wonders to boost someone's mood and well-being. Apparently not. They (my parents) wanted us to bring Munchkin over to their house. We didn't want to do that because, no lie, they are hoarders. As bad as you see on TV. Actually, I have pictures that were taken in early November of 2007...it's MUCH worse now. This is why I refused to take my daughter to their house.
Dining room looking through to the rest of the ground level.
I told them if they wanted her to come over, they had to clean up, and they didn't. So we told them that they were more than welcome to come to our house ANY TIME. We even gave them an open and standing invitation to come over for brunch on Sunday mornings. They did not take advantage of this. Then approaching Munchkin's first birthday, I was getting word that my mother was talking about us (pretty much me specifically) behind my back. She was telling people that I wouldn't let them see their granddaughter....among other not-so-nice things (all of which was totally not true). And it was coming from people that didn't have any other agenda than telling me the truth. This was not the first time in my life that she was running her mouth, but this WAS the first time that I stood up for myself. I told her that I didn't appreciate it, and it wasn't acceptable behavior. We didn't hear from them for about 6 months....AT ALL. Yeah. I know.
I finally saw them for the first time when I was about 6 months pregnant with the Little Man. It sort-of got the relationship ball rolling again, but things have been very strained since then.
The day I had Little Man, they insisted coming to the hospital and sitting all day. They were there for the Munchkin, and much by accident my mom ended up being in the room for the delivery, which is NOT what I wanted, but my daughter decided to make her arrival VERY quickly. So everyone that was there, got to witness me give birth. So, I guess she felt entitled to see Little Man make his entrance. I told the nursing staff to keep her out (which they did) and my mother turned the birth of MY son into something about her. She raised hell and literally berated the nursing staff, my husband (by a nasty voicemail message from my father), and my two of my best friends (who I wanted to be there). My husband shot out of that room as soon as we heard what was going on. I don't know what was said, but apparently she apologized to everyone.....EXCEPT FOR ME! My dad came in and tried to make excuses...I told him that this wasn't about her, and bad behavior of ANY kind wasn't acceptable, and they could leave if the attitude didn't change. Yeah, still haven't gotten an apology for that one (and I won't....ever).
So this brings me to now. Which, by the way, they maybe see the kids once a month....it's actually less often than that I think.
On Mother's Day....my THIRD ONE that I have NOT been able to do what I have wanted (okay, yes, I know this is selfish, but really, all I ever have wanted to do is spend a nice day with my husband and my kids....and nobody else!), we had my family over for dinner (my parents, my brother, sister-in-law, and their kids). I decided that we would have them for dinner because it really will be my mom's last Mother's Day, and my brother HATES having functions at his house. Yes, he's weird, and yes, it's annoying. He threw such a fit about actually doing something last year, I just thought it would be a nice gesture to have it at our house.
Long story short....we (meaning Jon and I) were basically ignored in our own house (yes, by pretty much everyone, but they always pay attention to the kids). There was complaining that the kids didn't want to play with them (mainly by my parents)....hello, they barely know who you are!....there were snarky comments made to my 18 year old niece (by my mother) who is just shy of 5 months pregnant....and then the subject of Baby #3's impending birth came up.
CRAP.
My dad said, "keep us apprised of the situation, we want to be there". Yes. This is actually what he said. He's just full of weird and awkward sayings. I said, "we are asking that no one come to the hospital until the day after the birth".
My parents looked at me like I was nuts.
Once second my mom said, "well, that will be nice to be able to bring him into the world as a couple"......and then she said, "well, your friend can just be there and take over like she did the last time!". I looked straight at her and said, "No one will be there. No one." She actually rolled her eyes at me.
Yes, my best friend will be there...I don't really care if my parents find out or not, but they don't need to know that at this point.
And THAT made me regret the decision to try and be nice about it. I should have just told them with the way that they behaved when Little Man was born, got them an automatic un-invite to the hospital. Stupid me for not wanting to be mean about it.
Guess what? I haven't heard from them since. I don't think we'll hear from or see them until Newbie is born (if I decide to call). Yes. Mean, I know, but at this point, really? You get what you give. I want to protect my children from insanity like that too much to let my parents behave like that around us.
So that was my Mother's Day. I'm glad that I will never have to host another one like that ever again. Yes. Sad to hear, I know. I'm okay with it. I've accepted the fact that my mom will not be here....and it will be soon that she will pass, I'm sure. I've already grieved though. A LONG time ago. I have grieved the relationship that was never had. I have grieved the mom that I wanted that I didn't get.
I'm good.
What I CAN do is be the best mom to MY kids that I can be. I can give them what I always wanted and never got. I have the will to be a better person for my kids and give them a better life than I had.
These are the only pictures that I have (and possibly even exist) of my mother and I, which were taken at the point our relationship was at it's best.
I can't come up with the right thing to say. I mean, I don't think that I can accurately sum up the whole thing in one tiny blog post. And I don't have much emotion about the subject as a whole.
This is almost like a dead subject to me. No pun intended. That means that my mother is dying of cancer (three different kinds at this point) and really is on borrowed time.
Before you start to feel sad for me, please don't. If I had any LESS of a relationship with my mother, it would totally be non-existent.
I'm not saying that our relationship has always been this bad. It hasn't. There have actually been times in my life that it has been okay....all of which only existed AFTER I moved out. So since I have been living with Jon for the last 12ish years, I would say that maybe 6 of those would include having a somewhat non-hateful relationship with my mom.
Hey, you don't always win the lottery in the parent pool. I didn't win. I spent a lot of my time being angry about it. I spent even more time wishing for a mom that I was never going to have. So I got over being angry. She is the way she is, and she has been for 66 years, she's not going to change now, so I (and in turn my husband) deal with what we have to the best of our abilities.
Our relationship took it's last turn after Munchkin was born. You would think that having a grandchild would do wonders to boost someone's mood and well-being. Apparently not. They (my parents) wanted us to bring Munchkin over to their house. We didn't want to do that because, no lie, they are hoarders. As bad as you see on TV. Actually, I have pictures that were taken in early November of 2007...it's MUCH worse now. This is why I refused to take my daughter to their house.
Dining room looking through to the rest of the ground level.
Completely blocked front doorway/entry.
The bedroom.
I told them if they wanted her to come over, they had to clean up, and they didn't. So we told them that they were more than welcome to come to our house ANY TIME. We even gave them an open and standing invitation to come over for brunch on Sunday mornings. They did not take advantage of this. Then approaching Munchkin's first birthday, I was getting word that my mother was talking about us (pretty much me specifically) behind my back. She was telling people that I wouldn't let them see their granddaughter....among other not-so-nice things (all of which was totally not true). And it was coming from people that didn't have any other agenda than telling me the truth. This was not the first time in my life that she was running her mouth, but this WAS the first time that I stood up for myself. I told her that I didn't appreciate it, and it wasn't acceptable behavior. We didn't hear from them for about 6 months....AT ALL. Yeah. I know.
I finally saw them for the first time when I was about 6 months pregnant with the Little Man. It sort-of got the relationship ball rolling again, but things have been very strained since then.
The day I had Little Man, they insisted coming to the hospital and sitting all day. They were there for the Munchkin, and much by accident my mom ended up being in the room for the delivery, which is NOT what I wanted, but my daughter decided to make her arrival VERY quickly. So everyone that was there, got to witness me give birth. So, I guess she felt entitled to see Little Man make his entrance. I told the nursing staff to keep her out (which they did) and my mother turned the birth of MY son into something about her. She raised hell and literally berated the nursing staff, my husband (by a nasty voicemail message from my father), and my two of my best friends (who I wanted to be there). My husband shot out of that room as soon as we heard what was going on. I don't know what was said, but apparently she apologized to everyone.....EXCEPT FOR ME! My dad came in and tried to make excuses...I told him that this wasn't about her, and bad behavior of ANY kind wasn't acceptable, and they could leave if the attitude didn't change. Yeah, still haven't gotten an apology for that one (and I won't....ever).
So this brings me to now. Which, by the way, they maybe see the kids once a month....it's actually less often than that I think.
On Mother's Day....my THIRD ONE that I have NOT been able to do what I have wanted (okay, yes, I know this is selfish, but really, all I ever have wanted to do is spend a nice day with my husband and my kids....and nobody else!), we had my family over for dinner (my parents, my brother, sister-in-law, and their kids). I decided that we would have them for dinner because it really will be my mom's last Mother's Day, and my brother HATES having functions at his house. Yes, he's weird, and yes, it's annoying. He threw such a fit about actually doing something last year, I just thought it would be a nice gesture to have it at our house.
Long story short....we (meaning Jon and I) were basically ignored in our own house (yes, by pretty much everyone, but they always pay attention to the kids). There was complaining that the kids didn't want to play with them (mainly by my parents)....hello, they barely know who you are!....there were snarky comments made to my 18 year old niece (by my mother) who is just shy of 5 months pregnant....and then the subject of Baby #3's impending birth came up.
CRAP.
My dad said, "keep us apprised of the situation, we want to be there". Yes. This is actually what he said. He's just full of weird and awkward sayings. I said, "we are asking that no one come to the hospital until the day after the birth".
My parents looked at me like I was nuts.
Once second my mom said, "well, that will be nice to be able to bring him into the world as a couple"......and then she said, "well, your friend can just be there and take over like she did the last time!". I looked straight at her and said, "No one will be there. No one." She actually rolled her eyes at me.
Yes, my best friend will be there...I don't really care if my parents find out or not, but they don't need to know that at this point.
And THAT made me regret the decision to try and be nice about it. I should have just told them with the way that they behaved when Little Man was born, got them an automatic un-invite to the hospital. Stupid me for not wanting to be mean about it.
Guess what? I haven't heard from them since. I don't think we'll hear from or see them until Newbie is born (if I decide to call). Yes. Mean, I know, but at this point, really? You get what you give. I want to protect my children from insanity like that too much to let my parents behave like that around us.
So that was my Mother's Day. I'm glad that I will never have to host another one like that ever again. Yes. Sad to hear, I know. I'm okay with it. I've accepted the fact that my mom will not be here....and it will be soon that she will pass, I'm sure. I've already grieved though. A LONG time ago. I have grieved the relationship that was never had. I have grieved the mom that I wanted that I didn't get.
I'm good.
What I CAN do is be the best mom to MY kids that I can be. I can give them what I always wanted and never got. I have the will to be a better person for my kids and give them a better life than I had.
These are the only pictures that I have (and possibly even exist) of my mother and I, which were taken at the point our relationship was at it's best.
My wedding day. December 15, 2003
December 2005
One of the MANY pictures I already have a me and my babies!!!!
So I guess this is the way the story of my mother is going to be. Spotty and not told in one sitting. I can't just sit and tell the story from beginning to end because it's just too messy. The best I can do is explain it as it comes up. I suppose at some point there will be a whole story here, it just may take awhile.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Operation Reconnection
So I left you with the stay tuned message about what the next step in making my marriage better might be.
While we didn't really have an opportunity to sit down and talk about it over the weekend, we did, however, have about two and a half hours to sit and talk to each other yesterday due to an unplanned trip to the hospital (don't worry, everyone is fine...seems like if you have so much as a sniffle when you are pregnant they just send you into the hospital). So yes. We got time to sit and talk, just the two of us while in the OB triage. Not exactly what we were planning on, but it did the trick.
We did make the decision that when his mom comes to visit (she obviously lives out of town, and comes to visit about once a month) that we will take an afternoon, or an evening and go spend time with each other. We have talked about doing this, but it hasn't really happened as of yet. Jon has promised that he will make sure that this happens (or in other words, let his mom know so she expects it, and isn't surprised that we all of a sudden have plans away from the house).
We have always felt guilt about the possibility of getting a sitter on the weekend just to go out. Well, now we know that we that is what we should have been doing all along. It's actually really perfect if we take the opportunity when his mom is here because when Grandma is here, the kids don't see anyone but her. We call it Grandma blinders. Which we both totally love...we love the fact that our kids love her so much, and that she loves them so much. Unfortunately this is not the case for my parents...I will be getting to that story soon enough. So, really, the kids won't even notice if we are gone for a couple of hours.
Honestly, our relationship has even improved over the short couple of days since I initially approached the subject of taking more time with and for each other with Jon. We are recommitting ourselves to making our marriage a priority. Even though we were sitting in the hospital yesterday (with me wearing a VERY fabulous gown) we were ENJOYING each others company! We are looking to hopefully enjoy and embrace every opportunity that we have to be just the two of us and reconnect (and if you can find the opportunity to reconnect in a hospital, you can find it anywhere!).
I know it hasn't been long, but it's better already! I'm really looking forward to this journey with my husband to get back to where we should have stayed all along.
While we didn't really have an opportunity to sit down and talk about it over the weekend, we did, however, have about two and a half hours to sit and talk to each other yesterday due to an unplanned trip to the hospital (don't worry, everyone is fine...seems like if you have so much as a sniffle when you are pregnant they just send you into the hospital). So yes. We got time to sit and talk, just the two of us while in the OB triage. Not exactly what we were planning on, but it did the trick.
We did make the decision that when his mom comes to visit (she obviously lives out of town, and comes to visit about once a month) that we will take an afternoon, or an evening and go spend time with each other. We have talked about doing this, but it hasn't really happened as of yet. Jon has promised that he will make sure that this happens (or in other words, let his mom know so she expects it, and isn't surprised that we all of a sudden have plans away from the house).
We have always felt guilt about the possibility of getting a sitter on the weekend just to go out. Well, now we know that we that is what we should have been doing all along. It's actually really perfect if we take the opportunity when his mom is here because when Grandma is here, the kids don't see anyone but her. We call it Grandma blinders. Which we both totally love...we love the fact that our kids love her so much, and that she loves them so much. Unfortunately this is not the case for my parents...I will be getting to that story soon enough. So, really, the kids won't even notice if we are gone for a couple of hours.
Honestly, our relationship has even improved over the short couple of days since I initially approached the subject of taking more time with and for each other with Jon. We are recommitting ourselves to making our marriage a priority. Even though we were sitting in the hospital yesterday (with me wearing a VERY fabulous gown) we were ENJOYING each others company! We are looking to hopefully enjoy and embrace every opportunity that we have to be just the two of us and reconnect (and if you can find the opportunity to reconnect in a hospital, you can find it anywhere!).
I know it hasn't been long, but it's better already! I'm really looking forward to this journey with my husband to get back to where we should have stayed all along.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Nurture your marriage the way you nurture your chilldren
Nurture your marriage the way you nurture your children.
This is THE MOST fabulous advice I have received in a long time.
This is a subject that my husband and I have had difficulty with for some time.
This is the story about WHY I need this advice.
WARNING: This could be the longest blog post in history.
Our marriage drastically changed once we started having children...and not in a good way. This is something that we have literally been struggling with for 3 long years.
Before we had children, Jon and I were best friends.
We had a GREAT relationship. We rarely fought at all.
We really didn't have any issues with each other. We could go places and do things without a care in the world (relatively speaking...because we had two dogs).
We traveled...A LOT. We went out all the time. We hardly EVER did anything without the other person (we WANTED to spend all of our time together).
Then we decided it was time to start having children. I think that it really changed once we found out we were pregnant with the Munchkin. I have long said this...my life changed immediately, while Jon continued on the way he was. As women, we give up so much of ourselves to have children. We give up our lifestyle. We give up our bodies. We give up our freedom. And the change is immediate once we find out that we are pregnant. Men don't have to give up anything. I gave up smoking, he didn't. I gave up drinking, he didn't. I had to give up eating certain random things, he didn't. (I know that the whole giving up smoking and drinking thing would seem like a no-brainer, but I know many people who have not while they are pregnant.) We had made the decision to have children TOGETHER, but here I was making many DRASTIC life changes by myself.
It got MUCH worse after Munchkin actually arrived. I tried to breastfeed....that didn't work too well. I was doing most of the care-taking by myself. I was struggling very hard to figure out how to take care of this little person AND myself. Jon continued on....like nothing was really different. I am NOT saying he didn't do anything, because he did. He did change diapers, he did feed her, he did bathe her, but I felt that it was because I had to ASK him to. He continued to hang out with his friends and do the drinking thing, and the smoking thing (like I couldn't tell....) and I was angry about it. I had made all of these lifestyle changes (and believe me...there were many arguments about me not changing fast enough...ironic if you ask me) and he had made none. It was and is a double standard. I went to him and told him how I felt, and he basically threw his hands up and said if he ignored it, it would go away. In his opinion, he was still the same person he had always been, and I was the one who had changed (hello, my point exactly), and that it was my problem to fix. And so, the problem continued on.
We did limp along...but all of our focus was on our baby girl. We love her more than words and life itself. We did NOT focus any attention on each other...just on the Munchkin. Hind-sight is always 20/20....we should have been focusing on our marriage just as diligently as we were our daughter. We continued fighting off and on...same argument..but it got worse, and mean. Very mean. Despite all of this we decided that we wanted to start trying to have another baby. It was a happy thing when we found out we were pregnant again, but the same problems kept following us (go figure...you don't solve the problem, it doesn't go away)...and we kept limping along.
The second pregnancy was EXTREMELY difficult. Much to my dismay, my body endured A LOT of damage during my pregnancy with the Munchkin that I was not aware of. By the time I was 12 weeks pregnant with the Little Man, I was in physical therapy (and have been ever since). There are SO many things that can happen to your body when you are pregnant....I'm wondering why NO ONE tells us this. And believe it or not...it's NOT normal, and you DON'T have to live with it. There is a silver lining that came out of this situation...I am now in school to be a Physical Therapy Assistant, and I have a job waiting for me when I get done with school working with a fabulous Physical Therapist who is a WOMAN'S HEALTH SPECIALIST. Because we DON'T have to live with it, and it CAN get better!!!! During my pregnancy with Little Man, I was put on bed-rest, and long story short, it was horrible and stressful, and we were all VERY glad when he arrived. The pregnancy did, however, put even more stress on our marriage. I NEEDED to depend on him...and he DID pick up a lot of the housework and things I couldn't do, but he seemed resentful of the whole situation.
So here we were with two children, and our marriage was still on the back burner. After Little Man was born, we went through a period of several months which almost ended our marriage. I won't go into details...and I know that I probably should tell the whole story, but honestly, I can't. At this point, I demanded to go to counseling. Jon agreed. We started seeing a counselor, which helped, but I was still under an incredible amount of stress, and I was feeling overwhelmed, and I was having trouble sleeping, so I started taking happy pills. This made a SIGNIFICANT difference for me. I was able to function SO much better, but it didn't fix things between Jon and I.....even with counseling. It did get better, but nothing has gotten resolved. We took our counselors advice, and we did work on some things, but well, it just hasn't been fixed.
And then we found out I was pregnant AGAIN. I won't go into the details since I explained that all in How I became the mom of three. This did NOT help things at all. I had to come off of my medication....horrible. We were not overly thrilled in the beginning because we KNEW this was not going to be a good pregnancy...and it hasn't been. I had thyroid problems in the beginning of the pregnancy, and then by the time I was six months along, the pre-term labor started. And so....we are still limping along, and I can't NOT (sorry for the double negative) have a decent, reliable, healthy, happy marriage any longer.
I having been finding myself wanting to close myself off emotionally (at the very least) from my husband. I know that this is NOT the thing to do, and I can recognize what's going on, but I am having trouble stopping it. So I made the decision to go back to our counselor. I need to do this for my marriage. I HAVE to have the will to fix this. I want to stay married, and I WANT AND NEED it to be a HAPPY marriage.
So we are on a new mission. The mission to nurture our marriage like we nurture our children. If we don't, there won't be a marriage to rely on when the kids are old enough to have their own lives...and THEN where will we be?
I have to guess that soooo many couples have this issue, but don't talk about it, or ignore it because they just don't know what to do about it. So I'm sharing. I'm sharing our journey from here on out because I need to get the thoughts out of my head (plus it gives me a little insight) and maybe it might help someone else.
I do desperately love my husband, and I want things so much to return to what we had. So we're going to work on it. We ARE going to take time for ourselves as a couple. I would like to sit down with him this weekend so that we can make a plan (shhh, don't tell, he doesn't know this yet) and STICK to it. I'll let you know what we come up with, and I'll also let you know where this journey takes us...I'm sure that there will be ups and downs...but my hope is that we'll come out of this with a stronger marriage and more in love.
Stay tuned.....
This is THE MOST fabulous advice I have received in a long time.
This is a subject that my husband and I have had difficulty with for some time.
This is the story about WHY I need this advice.
WARNING: This could be the longest blog post in history.
Our marriage drastically changed once we started having children...and not in a good way. This is something that we have literally been struggling with for 3 long years.
Before we had children, Jon and I were best friends.
Summer 2006
We had a GREAT relationship. We rarely fought at all.
IOP 2006
We really didn't have any issues with each other. We could go places and do things without a care in the world (relatively speaking...because we had two dogs).
December 2005
We traveled...A LOT. We went out all the time. We hardly EVER did anything without the other person (we WANTED to spend all of our time together).
Mexico 2006
Then we decided it was time to start having children. I think that it really changed once we found out we were pregnant with the Munchkin. I have long said this...my life changed immediately, while Jon continued on the way he was. As women, we give up so much of ourselves to have children. We give up our lifestyle. We give up our bodies. We give up our freedom. And the change is immediate once we find out that we are pregnant. Men don't have to give up anything. I gave up smoking, he didn't. I gave up drinking, he didn't. I had to give up eating certain random things, he didn't. (I know that the whole giving up smoking and drinking thing would seem like a no-brainer, but I know many people who have not while they are pregnant.) We had made the decision to have children TOGETHER, but here I was making many DRASTIC life changes by myself.
It got MUCH worse after Munchkin actually arrived. I tried to breastfeed....that didn't work too well. I was doing most of the care-taking by myself. I was struggling very hard to figure out how to take care of this little person AND myself. Jon continued on....like nothing was really different. I am NOT saying he didn't do anything, because he did. He did change diapers, he did feed her, he did bathe her, but I felt that it was because I had to ASK him to. He continued to hang out with his friends and do the drinking thing, and the smoking thing (like I couldn't tell....) and I was angry about it. I had made all of these lifestyle changes (and believe me...there were many arguments about me not changing fast enough...ironic if you ask me) and he had made none. It was and is a double standard. I went to him and told him how I felt, and he basically threw his hands up and said if he ignored it, it would go away. In his opinion, he was still the same person he had always been, and I was the one who had changed (hello, my point exactly), and that it was my problem to fix. And so, the problem continued on.
We did limp along...but all of our focus was on our baby girl. We love her more than words and life itself. We did NOT focus any attention on each other...just on the Munchkin. Hind-sight is always 20/20....we should have been focusing on our marriage just as diligently as we were our daughter. We continued fighting off and on...same argument..but it got worse, and mean. Very mean. Despite all of this we decided that we wanted to start trying to have another baby. It was a happy thing when we found out we were pregnant again, but the same problems kept following us (go figure...you don't solve the problem, it doesn't go away)...and we kept limping along.
The second pregnancy was EXTREMELY difficult. Much to my dismay, my body endured A LOT of damage during my pregnancy with the Munchkin that I was not aware of. By the time I was 12 weeks pregnant with the Little Man, I was in physical therapy (and have been ever since). There are SO many things that can happen to your body when you are pregnant....I'm wondering why NO ONE tells us this. And believe it or not...it's NOT normal, and you DON'T have to live with it. There is a silver lining that came out of this situation...I am now in school to be a Physical Therapy Assistant, and I have a job waiting for me when I get done with school working with a fabulous Physical Therapist who is a WOMAN'S HEALTH SPECIALIST. Because we DON'T have to live with it, and it CAN get better!!!! During my pregnancy with Little Man, I was put on bed-rest, and long story short, it was horrible and stressful, and we were all VERY glad when he arrived. The pregnancy did, however, put even more stress on our marriage. I NEEDED to depend on him...and he DID pick up a lot of the housework and things I couldn't do, but he seemed resentful of the whole situation.
So here we were with two children, and our marriage was still on the back burner. After Little Man was born, we went through a period of several months which almost ended our marriage. I won't go into details...and I know that I probably should tell the whole story, but honestly, I can't. At this point, I demanded to go to counseling. Jon agreed. We started seeing a counselor, which helped, but I was still under an incredible amount of stress, and I was feeling overwhelmed, and I was having trouble sleeping, so I started taking happy pills. This made a SIGNIFICANT difference for me. I was able to function SO much better, but it didn't fix things between Jon and I.....even with counseling. It did get better, but nothing has gotten resolved. We took our counselors advice, and we did work on some things, but well, it just hasn't been fixed.
And then we found out I was pregnant AGAIN. I won't go into the details since I explained that all in How I became the mom of three. This did NOT help things at all. I had to come off of my medication....horrible. We were not overly thrilled in the beginning because we KNEW this was not going to be a good pregnancy...and it hasn't been. I had thyroid problems in the beginning of the pregnancy, and then by the time I was six months along, the pre-term labor started. And so....we are still limping along, and I can't NOT (sorry for the double negative) have a decent, reliable, healthy, happy marriage any longer.
I having been finding myself wanting to close myself off emotionally (at the very least) from my husband. I know that this is NOT the thing to do, and I can recognize what's going on, but I am having trouble stopping it. So I made the decision to go back to our counselor. I need to do this for my marriage. I HAVE to have the will to fix this. I want to stay married, and I WANT AND NEED it to be a HAPPY marriage.
So we are on a new mission. The mission to nurture our marriage like we nurture our children. If we don't, there won't be a marriage to rely on when the kids are old enough to have their own lives...and THEN where will we be?
I have to guess that soooo many couples have this issue, but don't talk about it, or ignore it because they just don't know what to do about it. So I'm sharing. I'm sharing our journey from here on out because I need to get the thoughts out of my head (plus it gives me a little insight) and maybe it might help someone else.
I do desperately love my husband, and I want things so much to return to what we had. So we're going to work on it. We ARE going to take time for ourselves as a couple. I would like to sit down with him this weekend so that we can make a plan (shhh, don't tell, he doesn't know this yet) and STICK to it. I'll let you know what we come up with, and I'll also let you know where this journey takes us...I'm sure that there will be ups and downs...but my hope is that we'll come out of this with a stronger marriage and more in love.
Stay tuned.....
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Mommyhood....the not so good, the bad, and totally ugly.
As Mother's Day nears, I feel compelled to write something about being a mom.
Or maybe I'm really just putting off studying for my math final tomorrow.
I have so many things swarming around in my brain....studying won't work at the moment, so I guess I need to empty the mind (okay...no comments from the peanut gallery) so I can make room for dividing polynomials (I apparently need this skill for some reason).
I absolutely, no questions asked, hands down LOVE MY CHILDREN!
However, I am being faced at the moment with a case of "the kids are driving me nuts". I have been home everyday with them for 9 weeks. Now, let me just say...I feel lucky to have the opportunity to spend endless amounts of time with them.....even if it can't be all that I want it to. I don't have much time away from them at all....maybe about 6 hours a week total. This is for all of the lovely doctors appointments I have right now that I WON'T take them to. (Hello...some things are just NOT appropriate) I don't have a chance to miss them, and they don't get a chance to miss me. They are over the moon when my sitter comes so I can leave for the doctor's office. They are kind-of happy to see me when I get home. It's never the "mommy mommy mommy" excitement that you would love to have greeting you after a relaxing afternoon away.
I have ONE TIME....taken an afternoon for myself since I have been off work. I got crap for it from my husband (he's been able to hang out with his friends several times since I have been off) before I left for the traumatizing shopping trip. I also made a stop by Ambiance....which also backfired later in that evening (I suppose that's a whole different post). So while I was glad to get out of the house (even though I had a purpose...and wasn't really supposed to be out of the house) I didn't fully get to enjoy my outing. Because of my husband's snarky comment, I felt guilty for WANTING to get away.
I WANT to be the best mom that I can be. I'm not. I admit it. I am not a good mom right now. I have no patience. The kids are usually trying to physically harm each other. Little Man doesn't listen (which I have to reason is because he is a boy because we never had that issue with Munchkin). So I find myself yelling. A lot. It seems to be the only way to get their attention. They seem to do things they know they can semi get away with (let's face it, I'm not moving too fast these days) and the second that I turn my back, it's like a free-for-all.
IT'S TOTAL INSANITY!!!!!
My husband gets a little cagey with it after about 3 hours....I'm in the midst of it for 13 to 14 hours a day. Non-stop. They don't nap at the same time (so one of them is awake at all times)...that will be coming soon (napping at the same time), however, Newbie will be here and well, we all know that newborns are predictably unpredictable.
I KNOW in my heart that once Newbie gets here it will all be much easier. I know that sounds totally ridiculous, but it will be. I will be able to walk like a normal person. I won't be in constant pain. (Pregnancy does NOT agree with me) I will be able to breathe....shower completely and totally ALONE...heck, I'll finally be alone for the first time in 9 months! All of you moms out there know exactly what I'm talking about. No matter how much you love your children...or how much you enjoy (or not) being pregnant, you are never alone for that period of time.
So maybe all of these feelings make me a bad mom, or maybe they just simply make me human.
We are pressured to DO IT ALL! Be supermom. But the simple truth is that we can't be everything to our whole family everyday without a little time to ourselves (and at this point, I think it would be nice to use the bathroom...for 5 measly minutes by myself). Our lives are all so busy that we need to take our alone time as we can get it. The 15 minute drive to the doctor's office. The possible 5 minutes in the bathroom. That precarious time in the morning when you're awake and no one else is.
I will revisit this statement....we need time to reflect and time to miss our children. And they need to miss us too! There is nothing like coming home and having your kids be so excited to see you. I miss that. I want them to want to spend time with me again...and I want to be able to have FUN with them again.
I know the time is coming, but it's hard when the want for something is so strong you could just taste it.
So even though this isn't a warm, fuzzy, mushy post about Mother's Day, it's reality. I think we all feel this way at some point. We just aren't encouraged to talk about it. So if I get flack from this post, so be it. I know I'm not the only one. In the long run, if it opens up communication between moms, then it's a good thing. At the very least, I feel better now that it's not bouncing around in my brain.
I guess that means I'm ready to study for that test....
Or maybe I'm really just putting off studying for my math final tomorrow.
I have so many things swarming around in my brain....studying won't work at the moment, so I guess I need to empty the mind (okay...no comments from the peanut gallery) so I can make room for dividing polynomials (I apparently need this skill for some reason).
I absolutely, no questions asked, hands down LOVE MY CHILDREN!
However, I am being faced at the moment with a case of "the kids are driving me nuts". I have been home everyday with them for 9 weeks. Now, let me just say...I feel lucky to have the opportunity to spend endless amounts of time with them.....even if it can't be all that I want it to. I don't have much time away from them at all....maybe about 6 hours a week total. This is for all of the lovely doctors appointments I have right now that I WON'T take them to. (Hello...some things are just NOT appropriate) I don't have a chance to miss them, and they don't get a chance to miss me. They are over the moon when my sitter comes so I can leave for the doctor's office. They are kind-of happy to see me when I get home. It's never the "mommy mommy mommy" excitement that you would love to have greeting you after a relaxing afternoon away.
I have ONE TIME....taken an afternoon for myself since I have been off work. I got crap for it from my husband (he's been able to hang out with his friends several times since I have been off) before I left for the traumatizing shopping trip. I also made a stop by Ambiance....which also backfired later in that evening (I suppose that's a whole different post). So while I was glad to get out of the house (even though I had a purpose...and wasn't really supposed to be out of the house) I didn't fully get to enjoy my outing. Because of my husband's snarky comment, I felt guilty for WANTING to get away.
I WANT to be the best mom that I can be. I'm not. I admit it. I am not a good mom right now. I have no patience. The kids are usually trying to physically harm each other. Little Man doesn't listen (which I have to reason is because he is a boy because we never had that issue with Munchkin). So I find myself yelling. A lot. It seems to be the only way to get their attention. They seem to do things they know they can semi get away with (let's face it, I'm not moving too fast these days) and the second that I turn my back, it's like a free-for-all.
IT'S TOTAL INSANITY!!!!!
My husband gets a little cagey with it after about 3 hours....I'm in the midst of it for 13 to 14 hours a day. Non-stop. They don't nap at the same time (so one of them is awake at all times)...that will be coming soon (napping at the same time), however, Newbie will be here and well, we all know that newborns are predictably unpredictable.
I KNOW in my heart that once Newbie gets here it will all be much easier. I know that sounds totally ridiculous, but it will be. I will be able to walk like a normal person. I won't be in constant pain. (Pregnancy does NOT agree with me) I will be able to breathe....shower completely and totally ALONE...heck, I'll finally be alone for the first time in 9 months! All of you moms out there know exactly what I'm talking about. No matter how much you love your children...or how much you enjoy (or not) being pregnant, you are never alone for that period of time.
So maybe all of these feelings make me a bad mom, or maybe they just simply make me human.
We are pressured to DO IT ALL! Be supermom. But the simple truth is that we can't be everything to our whole family everyday without a little time to ourselves (and at this point, I think it would be nice to use the bathroom...for 5 measly minutes by myself). Our lives are all so busy that we need to take our alone time as we can get it. The 15 minute drive to the doctor's office. The possible 5 minutes in the bathroom. That precarious time in the morning when you're awake and no one else is.
I will revisit this statement....we need time to reflect and time to miss our children. And they need to miss us too! There is nothing like coming home and having your kids be so excited to see you. I miss that. I want them to want to spend time with me again...and I want to be able to have FUN with them again.
I know the time is coming, but it's hard when the want for something is so strong you could just taste it.
So even though this isn't a warm, fuzzy, mushy post about Mother's Day, it's reality. I think we all feel this way at some point. We just aren't encouraged to talk about it. So if I get flack from this post, so be it. I know I'm not the only one. In the long run, if it opens up communication between moms, then it's a good thing. At the very least, I feel better now that it's not bouncing around in my brain.
I guess that means I'm ready to study for that test....
Monday, May 3, 2010
We're doing it....AGAIN!!!
Yesterday I got to thinking. Uh oh. Did you smell the smoke?
Baby #3 (nickname yet to be determined) will be arriving before we know it. My doctor said that she would like to induce me at 37ish weeks again, so that places Newbie's arrival at approximately Memorial Day weekend.
OH CRAP!!!!!!
Believe me, in case you haven't noticed, I tend to be an overly organized, and for the most part prepared person. While I made sure to get #3's clothes all washed, folded, put away, and hung up....NOTHING ELSE IS READY!
OH CRAP!!!!!!
I have been having major issues...I'm not sure that I WILL make it to Memorial Day weekend.
OH. CRAP! I. AM. NOT. PREPARED. AT ALL!
So, I enlisted my wonderful (poor, disgruntled) husband to help me get everything baby and newborn related up to the living room so that Icould hold my head in my hands and cry look through everything and get it ready.
I had to remember how to put the infant seats back together. I tore them apart and washed and cleaned them after Little Man stopped using them (in hopes of selling them and making a little extra money, and getting them OUT of the house...which we obviously know DIDN'T happen). That took a couple of minutes.....but I finally did figure it out! At that point (once the car seats were together) I realized that we own (are you ready for this) 8 car seats. Yes. 8. Two infant seats. Three convertible car seats (rear and front facing), and three regular front facing car seats for 22lbs and up. Since Jon and I work 1st and 2nd shifts we each needed our own set (because neither one of us were willing to do the car seat swap). So that makes 8. Ugh.
I have ALL of this breast pump stuff to clean and organize. I also have to remember how it all goes together...and how it works. I know Little Man is only 16 months old, but believe me, you put it out of your mind as soon as you can! Yes, I'm going to breastfeed/pump for the first 2 weeks, then I am taking my body back. I made the effort for the other two, so I think that I should for this one too. Hmm, I should get started on that....
We have the bassinet that will be in our room for the first couple of weeks...if we can stand it that long. I know that sounds horrible, but I have loud sleepers, and if I want to get sleep, it's much easier if they are in their own room. I think that I kept the Munchkin in our room for between 8 and 10 weeks. Little Man went into his own room before 6 weeks, so....maybe 4 for the Newbie? I don't know. I love my children, but I VALUE my sleep. And to be a half-way decent mom and somewhat productive person, I need some sleep!
Then there's the pack and play, and the swing, and the play mats, and the bottles, and the bibs, and the burp cloths, and the baby burrito blankets (receiving blankets), and the fuzzy blankets.....all of the numerous items that a newborn requires. There are so many things that I forgot about in the short amount of time that it's been since Little Man has used them.
So I guess I'm nesting, or at least TRYING to be prepared for something that is totally and utterly unpredictable.
And here we go on one of life's wildest rides....AGAIN!!!! Wooohoo!!!!!
Baby #3 (nickname yet to be determined) will be arriving before we know it. My doctor said that she would like to induce me at 37ish weeks again, so that places Newbie's arrival at approximately Memorial Day weekend.
OH CRAP!!!!!!
Believe me, in case you haven't noticed, I tend to be an overly organized, and for the most part prepared person. While I made sure to get #3's clothes all washed, folded, put away, and hung up....NOTHING ELSE IS READY!
OH CRAP!!!!!!
I have been having major issues...I'm not sure that I WILL make it to Memorial Day weekend.
OH. CRAP! I. AM. NOT. PREPARED. AT ALL!
So, I enlisted my wonderful (poor, disgruntled) husband to help me get everything baby and newborn related up to the living room so that I
I had to remember how to put the infant seats back together. I tore them apart and washed and cleaned them after Little Man stopped using them (in hopes of selling them and making a little extra money, and getting them OUT of the house...which we obviously know DIDN'T happen). That took a couple of minutes.....but I finally did figure it out! At that point (once the car seats were together) I realized that we own (are you ready for this) 8 car seats. Yes. 8. Two infant seats. Three convertible car seats (rear and front facing), and three regular front facing car seats for 22lbs and up. Since Jon and I work 1st and 2nd shifts we each needed our own set (because neither one of us were willing to do the car seat swap). So that makes 8. Ugh.
I have ALL of this breast pump stuff to clean and organize. I also have to remember how it all goes together...and how it works. I know Little Man is only 16 months old, but believe me, you put it out of your mind as soon as you can! Yes, I'm going to breastfeed/pump for the first 2 weeks, then I am taking my body back. I made the effort for the other two, so I think that I should for this one too. Hmm, I should get started on that....
We have the bassinet that will be in our room for the first couple of weeks...if we can stand it that long. I know that sounds horrible, but I have loud sleepers, and if I want to get sleep, it's much easier if they are in their own room. I think that I kept the Munchkin in our room for between 8 and 10 weeks. Little Man went into his own room before 6 weeks, so....maybe 4 for the Newbie? I don't know. I love my children, but I VALUE my sleep. And to be a half-way decent mom and somewhat productive person, I need some sleep!
Then there's the pack and play, and the swing, and the play mats, and the bottles, and the bibs, and the burp cloths, and the baby burrito blankets (receiving blankets), and the fuzzy blankets.....all of the numerous items that a newborn requires. There are so many things that I forgot about in the short amount of time that it's been since Little Man has used them.
So I guess I'm nesting, or at least TRYING to be prepared for something that is totally and utterly unpredictable.
And here we go on one of life's wildest rides....AGAIN!!!! Wooohoo!!!!!
Dirty Laundry? Part 4 (plus a little extra)
Honestly, I didn't think that there would be anything to add to the laundry story, but I just had to share a couple more things with you.
I AM SOOOOOOO HAPPY THAT I AM BACK TO USING MY ORIGINAL FORMULA!!!!!!
Yes. Again. I am nuts. I admit it.
I did some laundry yesterday and totally reverted back to using a WHOLE scoop of Tide. The smell when the clothes came out of the dryer was like an old friend. I was happy to have it back (and my clothes looked better too!). All is good in the world of laundry again.
I suppose this goes back to the The Great Laundry Debate. My husband has been telling his co-workers that I'm insane about laundry (okay, tell me something I don't know). He told them that I have been blogging about it. Yes, again, I suppose that blogging about laundry is a little insane, but anyone that does laundry on a regular basis is probably agreeing with most of the things that I am talking about (especially those who have kids). He also urged them to check out my blog. I'm not sure if they did...but if any of you are reading this, sign up and follow my blog (please!!!!!).
Honestly, I'm just sharing my crazy life with people (and to my knowledge, just my friends at this point). Seriously, I have talked to my friends about everything that I have written about here (although I do get to edit and change it if I don't like the way it comes out the first time!).
So join me. Read about the insanity that is my life...laundry, kids, parents, parenting, marriage. I will get to all of it (there ARE only so many hours in a day). Hope to see you all join my blog!
I AM SOOOOOOO HAPPY THAT I AM BACK TO USING MY ORIGINAL FORMULA!!!!!!
Yes. Again. I am nuts. I admit it.
I did some laundry yesterday and totally reverted back to using a WHOLE scoop of Tide. The smell when the clothes came out of the dryer was like an old friend. I was happy to have it back (and my clothes looked better too!). All is good in the world of laundry again.
I suppose this goes back to the The Great Laundry Debate. My husband has been telling his co-workers that I'm insane about laundry (okay, tell me something I don't know). He told them that I have been blogging about it. Yes, again, I suppose that blogging about laundry is a little insane, but anyone that does laundry on a regular basis is probably agreeing with most of the things that I am talking about (especially those who have kids). He also urged them to check out my blog. I'm not sure if they did...but if any of you are reading this, sign up and follow my blog (please!!!!!).
Honestly, I'm just sharing my crazy life with people (and to my knowledge, just my friends at this point). Seriously, I have talked to my friends about everything that I have written about here (although I do get to edit and change it if I don't like the way it comes out the first time!).
So join me. Read about the insanity that is my life...laundry, kids, parents, parenting, marriage. I will get to all of it (there ARE only so many hours in a day). Hope to see you all join my blog!
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