Sunday, June 27, 2010

I don't even know what to say

So I want to begin by saying that I'm sorry that I've been away from my blog for so long.  I know that I haven't been blogging very long, but I've always had something to say.....up until now.

Granted, the last couple of weeks have been a little busy and stressful.  You know, that whole giving birth thing...and then having emergency surgery just shy of the Newbie being two weeks old.  Oh yes, and then the unexpected hospital stay the day after my surgery.  No worries...I am fine now (and I'll tell you about it later).

I have so much in my head, but I don't know how to get it out.  I have found that I really love writing.  To me, it's just like talking to a trusted friend, but you get to read what you are saying and edit yourself if you feel the need to.

I know that I have told you that my husband and I have gone to counseling.  What I haven't told you is that I go to counseling on my own.  Let's face's downright therapy in my situation.  No, it's not the hubby.  He and I are doing ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS!!!!!!!  Which is soooooo good for me, and us.

The reason I go to therapy by myself is because I have some issues that I have been trying to cope/deal/ignore for the last several years.  It all started after I had the Munchkin.  I started having these flashbacks from my childhood.....not so good.

The problem with this is that I really don't have many memories from my childhood, and the ones that I do are very specific and extremely detailed.  Anyway, the point is that these flashbacks are anxiety producing and generally messed up (I know....fabulous English on my part).

I have been trying to work through this with my counselor.  They keep getting more frequent, and I really would just rather not have them at all.  I can't keep ignoring this, I know that it will not go away, but it affects me in a bad way....and I don't want it to.  I mean, gee...who wants to walk around feeling anxiety ridden most of the time?  Not me, that's for sure.  I have started taking my happy pills again.  YAY!!!!!  It's only been 2 weeks, so I know that I have a little more time before they actually kick in full force (and I can't wait), so I know that will help, but I have a very loud brain at the moment, and it's totally giving me writers block.

I have so many things running through my head at any given time of the day.  It's not just laundry, vacuuming, mopping, kids, dusting, kids, holy crap I have to go back to work, oh is going to start at the end of August and all of that jazz.  It's so many levels of constant thoughts running through my head, I can't make sense of it all.  It makes it very hard to write about anything.  I have a hard time concentrating on one single thought (and no, I'm not's part of the anxiety).

So here I am.  Trying to make sense of the endless thoughts in my head.  All of the things that I'm feeling.  All of the things that I want to share here.  All of the things that I need to get out of my head.  All of the things that are holding me up.  All of the things that I'm afraid of.  All of the things that I'm looking forward to.  All of the things that I am dreading.  All of the things in my past that are making me sad.  

I'm afraid to say too much.  I'm afraid that people will feel sorry for me.  I do not want ANYONE to feel sorry for me.  I feel sorry enough for the little girl that can't remember.....

I need to do this so that I can be okay (not that I'm not okay, but I think you get the point).  I need to do this so that I can let my kids be kids and not over-protect them because of me.  I don't ever want to smother them because I can't forget....hell, I can't even remember.....and that's the problem.  I don't know anything, but I know enough.

So here I am, rambling on.....I'm not sure if I even make any sense at all.  I guess that's the beauty of this post.  

This post is truly a window into my mind.  The things that just pop in and out of my head.  Where part of my life is at the moment.  Ahh.....maybe, just maybe this will help.

Here's to hoping.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Newbie is here!!!!

I just wanted to let everyone know that I have not fallen off the face of the earth, I am merely sleep deprived because Newbie finally decided to make his appearance on Friday June, 4th at 2:06am (with a little help).

The past couple of days have been a hectic joy (and did I mention sleep deprived).  Thank goodness my wonderful husband is home this week....I'm not sure what I would do without him....self destruct I think.  I don't know, I'll get back to you on that one....he goes back to work on Monday, and I will be totally by myself....meaning no other adult help.  It wasn't supposed to happen that way, but it seems that our help that we had lined up isn't going to be....well, helping.  So in other words...craziness, here I come!

I am very much enjoying having a newborn again.  I forgot how EASY it is!!!!!  Yes, even feeding every 2 hours.  He sleeps most of the time.  He doesn't complain about what I feed him.  He LOVES to cuddle with his mommy while I sleep (oh how I've missed that part).  He doesn't talk back.  Oh, and he has new baby smell.

So, I'm very sorry that this post is so short, but honestly my brain is too fuzzy to write much of anything anyway.  My eyes are actually crossing as I'm writing this.  I just wanted to get to my blog and dust it off a little bit!

Here are some pictures of the Newbie....(and we'll have to think of a good nick-name for him....can't really use the same one for him and little man)!

6-4-10 @ 2:06am
7lbs 6oz  18in

Very proud Dad!!!

Very proud Mom!!!

The best little surprise that we never knew we could love so much!

Welcome to this crazy life little guy!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Getting to know You

Okay, so I'm a couple of days late on this one.  But I find myself awake at 5:30 on a Tuesday morning because my back is killing me, and I'm almost sure I may be in labor.  Don't worry, I have a doctor's appointment at 10am.  I'm killing time until then.

I was catching up on my blog reading and I spied this on my friend Kristy's blog.  She got it from here.  I thought that it seemed like fun (and believe me, I need a little bit of that at the moment), so I thought I would let you know a little more about me!

If you want to join..copy the them..then link up at her blog!
1. Have you ever snooped around someone else's house?
2. Can guys and girls be friends? 
3. Can you curl your tongue?
4. Have you ever stolen anything?
5. Would you rather talk on the phone or text?
6. Memorial Day plans?
7. What do you do to relax?
8. Do you do anything to honor those that have died fighting for our freedom?

1. Have you ever snooped around someone else's house?
Well, I guess that I have.  I don't really intentionally snoop.  It's just kind of one of those things that you are just observing.  I would say much more of an observer than snoop.

2. Can girls and guys be friends?
My husband is my friend, so in that respect, I'm going to say yes.  I have gay male friends, so I'm also going to say yes in that respect as well.  I would consider all of my husband's friends my friends, so yes on that one too.  Otherwise, I think that it can get kind of messy....

3. Can you curl your tongue?
Yes.  Yes I can.

4. Have you ever stolen anything?

5.  Would you rather talk on the phone or text?
I would rather text most of the time.  Most of the time, trying to have a phone conversation is just not worth it.  I generally only call people if I am driving somewhere by myself.  Otherwise, texting is way easier....and probably less rude to the person that I'm talking to!

6. Memorial Day plans?
Well, since it was yesterday, I'll just tell you what we did!  Grandma was in town, so Jon's family was here.  We had a leftover lunch, some ice cream cake, and hung out for awhile.  Everyone left while the kids were napping, so we had a little quiet time.  After they woke up, we went outside to play in the kiddie pool!  Nice, uneventful, relaxing day!

7. What do you do to relax?
Is there such thing?  No really.  Lately the husband and I have been having some AWESOME cuddle time together.  That seems to do the trick!

8. Do you do anything to honor those that have died for their freedom?
No, admittedly we do not.  At some point we will have to change that and tell the kids that Memorial Day is more than just red, white, and blue, cooking out, ice cream, and a long weekend.

There you go!  A little more about me.  Now I think I might be able to go back to sleep for a little while!