Sunday, June 27, 2010

I don't even know what to say

So I want to begin by saying that I'm sorry that I've been away from my blog for so long.  I know that I haven't been blogging very long, but I've always had something to say.....up until now.

Granted, the last couple of weeks have been a little busy and stressful.  You know, that whole giving birth thing...and then having emergency surgery just shy of the Newbie being two weeks old.  Oh yes, and then the unexpected hospital stay the day after my surgery.  No worries...I am fine now (and I'll tell you about it later).

I have so much in my head, but I don't know how to get it out.  I have found that I really love writing.  To me, it's just like talking to a trusted friend, but you get to read what you are saying and edit yourself if you feel the need to.

I know that I have told you that my husband and I have gone to counseling.  What I haven't told you is that I go to counseling on my own.  Let's face's downright therapy in my situation.  No, it's not the hubby.  He and I are doing ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS!!!!!!!  Which is soooooo good for me, and us.

The reason I go to therapy by myself is because I have some issues that I have been trying to cope/deal/ignore for the last several years.  It all started after I had the Munchkin.  I started having these flashbacks from my childhood.....not so good.

The problem with this is that I really don't have many memories from my childhood, and the ones that I do are very specific and extremely detailed.  Anyway, the point is that these flashbacks are anxiety producing and generally messed up (I know....fabulous English on my part).

I have been trying to work through this with my counselor.  They keep getting more frequent, and I really would just rather not have them at all.  I can't keep ignoring this, I know that it will not go away, but it affects me in a bad way....and I don't want it to.  I mean, gee...who wants to walk around feeling anxiety ridden most of the time?  Not me, that's for sure.  I have started taking my happy pills again.  YAY!!!!!  It's only been 2 weeks, so I know that I have a little more time before they actually kick in full force (and I can't wait), so I know that will help, but I have a very loud brain at the moment, and it's totally giving me writers block.

I have so many things running through my head at any given time of the day.  It's not just laundry, vacuuming, mopping, kids, dusting, kids, holy crap I have to go back to work, oh is going to start at the end of August and all of that jazz.  It's so many levels of constant thoughts running through my head, I can't make sense of it all.  It makes it very hard to write about anything.  I have a hard time concentrating on one single thought (and no, I'm not's part of the anxiety).

So here I am.  Trying to make sense of the endless thoughts in my head.  All of the things that I'm feeling.  All of the things that I want to share here.  All of the things that I need to get out of my head.  All of the things that are holding me up.  All of the things that I'm afraid of.  All of the things that I'm looking forward to.  All of the things that I am dreading.  All of the things in my past that are making me sad.  

I'm afraid to say too much.  I'm afraid that people will feel sorry for me.  I do not want ANYONE to feel sorry for me.  I feel sorry enough for the little girl that can't remember.....

I need to do this so that I can be okay (not that I'm not okay, but I think you get the point).  I need to do this so that I can let my kids be kids and not over-protect them because of me.  I don't ever want to smother them because I can't forget....hell, I can't even remember.....and that's the problem.  I don't know anything, but I know enough.

So here I am, rambling on.....I'm not sure if I even make any sense at all.  I guess that's the beauty of this post.  

This post is truly a window into my mind.  The things that just pop in and out of my head.  Where part of my life is at the moment.  Ahh.....maybe, just maybe this will help.

Here's to hoping.

1 comment:

  1. Beth, first of all, you're such a great writer!!!! When you get honest like this, it just is amazing.

    I admit, I did feel sorry for you when I first heard about the stuff with your mom. It was hard for me to understand how you could be okay. But seeing how strong you've become, I don't feel sorry for you any more. I think that whatever happened in the past has made you what you are today, which is a great mom who doesn't take crap from anyone. It's refreshing to me who takes crap from everyone ;).

    Love ya! And YES, I will be seeing that baby at some point this week. We were at my parents' for most of last week, then came home with three kids who were whiny and cranky and GROUNDED. :)


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