Thursday, April 7, 2011

End of a Chapter

Seriously?  I couldn't think of a better title?  I guess not since that's the one I ended up with.

So I want to talk a little bit about my mom.  Her hospitalization and the realization that she wasn't going to see her home ever again.  

I know that my mom and I didn't have the best relationship.  This is why it's hard for some people to understand my feelings about her death.  No matter what, she was still my mom.  Bad or good, she's the only mom I had.

I remember the day that she was admitted into the hospital.  I was at my parent's house cleaning, and my dad came home while I was there.  I asked where mom was and he said that they had to admit her because she was having trouble breathing.

Holy crap.  I knew at that instant she would never leave that hospital alive.  I don't know how I knew, but I did.

She was in the hospital for 3 days before they had to move her CCU (Cardiac Care Unit) and put her on a pressurized mask.  It was not quite a week later that she died.

I am grateful that I decided to spend as much time at the hospital as I could.  My husband was great at allowing that to happen...but not very happy about it.  That was one of our communication breakdowns.

I was there every single day.  I brought photos, and had the kids color pictures for her.  I brought her jammies.  I helped get her cleaned up and did her hair.

I didn't do it so that people would say...oh what a wonderful daughter you are...I did it because it was the right thing to do.  I don't regret a single second that I was there.

There were issues that arose with my family while my mom was in the hospital.  With my dad and brother specifically.  The details don't really matter at this point, but I was trying to make sure that my mom got what she wanted, and I felt like there was a different agenda going on.  What that is, I can't really say, but it doesn't really matter anymore.

I know that I was there for her, and that she appreciated it.  I was maybe able to give her the love and caring that she wanted to give me but never could.  I tried to make her feel as loved and as comfortable as possible in her last moments, and I feel like I accomplished that.

So yes, it was the end of a chapter, and a new one has started.  I don't really know what the title of that is either.  Hopefully I can come up with something far more witty.

1 comment:

  1. "I was maybe able to give her the love and caring that she wanted to give me but never could."

    I think this sentence sums it all up beautifully. You blessed your mom with your presence when she needed you the most.

    Beautiful post.

    Glad you're blogging again... now that you have all kinds of free time - ha ha. :)


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