Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Mommyhood....the not so good, the bad, and totally ugly.

As Mother's Day nears, I feel compelled to write something about being a mom.

Or maybe I'm really just putting off studying for my math final tomorrow.

I have so many things swarming around in my brain....studying won't work at the moment, so I guess I need to empty the mind (okay...no comments from the peanut gallery) so I can make room for dividing polynomials (I apparently need this skill for some reason).

I absolutely, no questions asked, hands down LOVE MY CHILDREN!

However, I am being faced at the moment with a case of "the kids are driving me nuts".  I have been home everyday with them for 9 weeks.  Now, let me just say...I feel lucky to have the opportunity to spend endless amounts of time with them.....even if it can't be all that I want it to.  I don't have much time away from them at all....maybe about 6 hours a week total.  This is for all of the lovely doctors appointments I have right now that I WON'T take them to.  (Hello...some things are just NOT appropriate)  I don't have a chance to miss them, and they don't get a chance to miss me.  They are over the moon when my sitter comes so I can leave for the doctor's office.  They are kind-of happy to see me when I get home.  It's never the "mommy mommy mommy" excitement that you would love to have greeting you after a relaxing afternoon away.

I have ONE TIME....taken an afternoon for myself since I have been off work.  I got crap for it from my husband (he's been able to hang out with his friends several times since I have been off) before I left for the traumatizing shopping trip.  I also made a stop by Ambiance....which also backfired later in that evening (I suppose that's a whole different post).  So while I was glad to get out of the house (even though I had a purpose...and wasn't really supposed to be out of the house) I didn't fully get to enjoy my outing.  Because of my husband's snarky comment, I felt guilty for WANTING to get away.

I WANT to be the best mom that I can be.  I'm not.  I admit it.  I am not a good mom right now.  I have no patience.  The kids are usually trying to physically harm each other.  Little Man doesn't listen (which I have to reason is because he is a boy because we never had that issue with Munchkin).  So I find myself yelling.  A lot.  It seems to be the only way to get their attention.  They seem to do things they know they can semi get away with (let's face it, I'm not moving too fast these days) and the second that I turn my back, it's like a free-for-all.


My husband gets a little cagey with it after about 3 hours....I'm in the midst of it for 13 to 14 hours a day. Non-stop.  They don't nap at the same time (so one of them is awake at all times)...that will be coming soon (napping at the same time), however, Newbie will be here and well, we all know that newborns are predictably unpredictable.

I KNOW in my heart that once Newbie gets here it will all be much easier.  I know that sounds totally ridiculous, but it will be.  I will be able to walk like a normal person.  I won't be in constant pain.  (Pregnancy does NOT agree with me)  I will be able to breathe....shower completely and totally ALONE...heck, I'll finally be alone for the first time in 9 months!  All of you moms out there know exactly what I'm talking about.  No matter how much you love your children...or how much you enjoy (or not) being pregnant, you are never alone for that period of time.  

So maybe all of these feelings make me a bad mom, or maybe they just simply make me human.  

We are pressured to DO IT ALL!  Be supermom.  But the simple truth is that we can't be everything to our whole family everyday without a little time to ourselves (and at this point, I think it would be nice to use the bathroom...for 5 measly minutes by myself).  Our lives are all so busy that we need to take our alone time as we can get it.  The 15 minute drive to the doctor's office.  The possible 5 minutes in the bathroom.  That precarious time in the morning when you're awake and no one else is.

I will revisit this statement....we need time to reflect and time to miss our children.  And they need to miss us too!  There is nothing like coming home and having your kids be so excited to see you.  I miss that.  I want them to want to spend time with me again...and I want to be able to have FUN with them again.

I know the time is coming, but it's hard when the want for something is so strong you could just taste it.

So even though this isn't a warm, fuzzy, mushy post about Mother's Day, it's reality.  I think we all feel this way at some point.  We just aren't encouraged to talk about it.  So if I get flack from this post, so be it.  I know I'm not the only one.  In the long run, if it opens up communication between moms, then it's a good thing.  At the very least, I feel better now that it's not bouncing around in my brain.  

I guess that means I'm ready to study for that test....

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