Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Operation Reconnection - The "Fun" Stuff

So I think that you can guess what I'm talking about when I say "fun" stuff.

If you can't, it's sex.

Don't worry, I won't get graphic.  If you wanted me to, you're in the wrong place for that.  =)

Since Jon and I have been together for almost 14 years, I would say that we have the whole sex thing down.  We know what we're doing (obviously since I'm about to give birth to our third child).  

Here's the thing though.  

Just because we know what we're doing, doesn't mean that it's not routine.  Meaning, that at some point it has to be more than Tab A and Slot B.  Or Tab P and Slot V....hahahaha.  Okay, not that funny...but it's a little funny.

So it's not that it's not fun, it's not that it isn't or hasn't been good, but when you have been with someone for a long time it turns into a routine.  Not to mention, when you have two small children and one on the way (and a dog) it tends to be...oh hey, we have 15 minutes....meet you upstairs.  It's just where our life is right now, and this was part of why we are/were having relationship issues.

Just because you do it, does not mean that you are connected.  (I know that some people may say it can keep your relationship going, but I have to disagree...at least a little bit).

Before I went to visit my counselor recently, I had actually told my husband that I was just doing it to "throw him a bone".  We've all been there.  We all do it now and then...we just want to sit and not do ANYTHING, but we know that is what THEY want, so we do it.

I wasn't feeling connected to him because there was NO romance involved.  And by romance, I mean there was literally no touching outside of sexy time.  No hand holding...very little kissing.  No compassion for each other.  So I really wasn't feeling it.  And every time he DID touch me (in any way) I felt that what he wanted was a little something something.  HE wasn't feeling connected because I wasn't really into it.

Ugh....it's a horrible cycle.  We (as women) need to feel loved to be into (I mean really into) sexy time.  They need us to be into it to feel loved.  Who the heck designed it this way????  ANYWAY!  That's the way it is.  We have to work with what we have so that we can continue to love ourselves, our husbands....and sexy time!

So my counselor suggested that we get rid of sex.  Yes.  You heard me.  Not permanently, but just for awhile.  She suggested that we just take it off of the table (or bed...or where-ever) until after baby #3 was born and I got the go-ahead from the doctor afterward.  Don't worry, there's more to it than just not having sex.  She said if we take sex out of the picture, we could learn to be more passionate with each other.  We could learn to hold hands, and kiss, and hug, and all of those other wonderful relationship things WITHOUT feeling obligated to have sex.  It kind-of seemed weird at first, but once I thought about it, it TOTALLY made sense.  I brought it up to Jon when discussing the whole nurturing our marriage conversation.  He was NOT thrilled with this idea at first, but he did reluctantly agree.

Guess what?

Totally genius.

It worked.

And it only took a week.

I know that my counselor suggested starting right away and not having sexy time until after the baby, but honestly, it really did only take about a week before I was feeling reconnected to my husband (much to his delightful surprise).  And he wants to show more affection.  We are both getting what we need from our marriage to make sure that we feel loved...so that we can continue to nurture our marriage as a whole....not just parts of it.

Now, I know that there are times and issues that are involved when the physical part of a marriage can't function properly.  I have had this issue (part of why I have been in physical therapy for so long).  All I have to say is that having children does NOT have to change the fun stuff.  It CAN be the way it was before.  You DON'T have to live with it, and you SHOULDN'T.  It can be fixed.  It can even be BETTER than it was before (yes, yes it can).  I never knew this before I met my physical therapist.  Because my life has been affected by pregnancy and childbirth (and improved by physical therapy) I am choosing to help other women as my career as a physical therapy assistant.  I want other women to know they are NOT the only ones, and that it is TEMPORARY.  So if you think this may be part of your problem, just know that it doesn't have to be. 

So, yes.  We have the fun stuff back!  I'm excited about that, and so is Jon.  Now we just have to survive the sleep deprivation that baby #3 will be bringing.... 

Also, my friend does a series on Fridays which is not only funny, but gives a lot of good advice.  Check it out!  Just click on the Let's Get Physical below and look for the Physical Friday series on her blog!

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